Your Horoscopes

Horoscope ISSUE 45•08 Feb 17, 2009
  • Aries Your foot will fall asleep this Thursday, but not before draining a full bottle of whiskey, throwing up in an abandoned parking lot, and repeatedly calling its ex-wife on the phone.
  • Taurus The ghost of Richard Dean Anderson will soon pay you a visit and spend the entire time insisting he's not dead yet.
  • Gemini This week be sure to pray to St. Harold, the Patron Saint of Falling Down The Basement Stairs, Shattering Both Your Hips, And Laying Paralyzed Until Someone Gets Home.
  • Cancer Cancer had its latest prediction all set to go, but then it found out about this cool new thing called Twitter, and well…you understand.
  • Leo The average human adult has a total of 32 teeth. Look behind the couch, beneath the coffee table, and inside the dryer for the remaining 12 or so.
  • Virgo The eyes in that painting will seem to follow you around the room, which is quite odd for a Jackson Pollock.
  • Libra High-powered telescopes will soon allow scientists to peer back at the very birth of the universe, though it's the steamy and rather forceful conception they're more interested in.
  • Scorpio The good news is that you're dyslexic. The bad news, however, is that you switched the good news and bad news around.
  • Sagittarius Everyone laughed when you sent your dog to the Canine Academy Of Design, but they won't be laughing this week when he continues to shit all over their lawn.
  • Capricorn A whirlwind romance will sweep you off your feet this week, before destroying your home, smashing your valuables, and dropping you off three states away.
  • Aquarius While it's true that every man has his price, yours is the only one clearly labeled at the top of that waffle menu.
  • Pisces You'll spend your remaining years hooked up to a machine, which is sad, as it's the kind that checks e-mail and sends out texts.