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Aries The interesting thing about your future isn't its extreme brevity, but how many angry, drunken Cossacks it holds.

Taurus Your quest for abs of steel ends tragically this week when you cut yourself in half with a welding torch.

Gemini Sometimes it is best to simply let events unfold. However, doing so for the last 25 years was probably a mistake.

Cancer The kind of pressure you'll deal with this week would kill a lesser man, which, unfortunately, is exactly what you are.

Leo You've got a pair of gams that just won't quit, making things quite awkward when management is forced to let them go.

Virgo A wonderful romantic experience looms ahead for Taurus, which really sucks, as you're a Virgo.

Libra Something deep inside of you will re-awaken this week. Plan to spend most of Thursday sitting in your bathroom.

Scorpio You'll soon come to regret catching fist-size chunks of jagged hail on your tongue.

Sagittarius Any well-read person will notice several parallels between the story of Beowulf and your disastrous housewarming party this week.

Capricorn Your frequent boasts of being a real lady-killer will finally gain some credence when an FBI forensics team digs up your backyard.

Aquarius You're no Mother Teresa, much to the utter shock and dismay of all those blind orphans in India.

Pisces Try as they might, the stars can't see the point in telling you about next week. You'll just do whatever you damn well please, anyway.

More Horoscope

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Your Horoscopes » (March 3, 2009)

Past Horoscopes

February 7, 2012

Aries The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you're supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car. Taurus That person you've been see...
January 31, 2012

Aries You've got tough row to hoe in front of you this week, which seems like merely a folksy euphemism until you find you've inherited a run-down potato farm. Taurus Conflicts at work and at home are cleared up instantl...
January 24, 2012

Aries Your death next week will seem inexplicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 "cross your heart and hope to die" pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben. Taurus Your fear of pub...
January 17, 2012

Aries Jupiter rising in your sign is usually an indicator of prosperous ambitions, but when it just keeps coming right at you, it becomes downright terrifying. Taurus You have yet to find a love worthy of your unique aff...
January 10, 2012

Aries You're not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity. Taurus You'll need to find new solutions t...
January 3, 2012

Aries To improve your spiritual health, avoid the myriad temptations of the flesh. This is most easily accomplished by repeating the word "flesh" over and over until it creeps you out. Taurus Most accidents occ...
December 6, 2011

Aries Sleep will continue to elude you this week, so keep binging on coffee and amphetamines until you have enough energy to catch it. Taurus You're not the sort of person who panics easily, which will keep you from gett...
November 15, 2011

Aries They say your problem is inoperable, but they're wrong: It's just incurable. Go ahead and do all the operating you want. Taurus You've never believed you were the poisoning type, but judging from all the news cover...
November 8, 2011

Aries A shocking revelation will shake you to the core of your being this week, which is odd, because it's merely the fact that the Doobie Brothers aren't actual brothers. Taurus Betrayal, treason, and vile cal-umny will...