Your HoroscopesAries The interesting thing about your future isn't its extreme brevity, but how many angry, drunken Cossacks it holds.Taurus Your quest for abs of steel ends tragically this week when you cut yourself in half with a welding torch. Gemini Sometimes it is best to simply let events unfold. However, doing so for the last 25 years was probably a mistake.Cancer The kind of pressure you'll deal with this week would kill a lesser man, which, unfortunately, is exactly what you are.Leo You've got a pair of gams that just won't quit, making things quite awkward when management is forced to let them go.Virgo A wonderful romantic experience looms ahead for Taurus, which really sucks, as you're a Virgo.Libra Something deep inside of you will re-awaken this week. Plan to spend most of Thursday sitting in your bathroom.Scorpio You'll soon come to regret catching fist-size chunks of jagged hail on your tongue.Sagittarius Any well-read person will notice several parallels between the story of Beowulf and your disastrous housewarming party this week.Capricorn Your frequent boasts of being a real lady-killer will finally gain some credence when an FBI forensics team digs up your backyard.Aquarius You're no Mother Teresa, much to the utter shock and dismay of all those blind orphans in India.Pisces Try as they might, the stars can't see the point in telling you about next week. You'll just do whatever you damn well please, anyway.