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Aries You'll have no choice but to eat the other passengers after your plane crashes into an Armor Hot Dog Processing Plant this week.

Taurus Remember: When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Then, when life least expects it, throw the lemonade right in its spiteful face.

Gemini Everyone laughed when you said mankind wouldn't last another 100 years, but that's because you did it in a funny Mexican accent.

Cancer On sale this week at Cancer. Love advice, 99 cents a pound. Fresh, organic prophecies, two for $2.25. Plus, Zodiac-brand Fortune Bars, only $4 until supplies last.

Leo Mosquitoes are usually attracted to body heat and perspiration, though in your case, it's the giant mosquito costume.

Virgo The cosmic sands of time will sweep through your sign this week, filling your shorts with eons of frustration.

Libra You're about to go through a real messy divorce, thanks in large part to the Philly cheese steak you'll refuse to put down.

Scorpio A magic carpet ride awaits Scorpio this week. Prepare to travel from the trunk of an old Buick, down the Brooklyn Bridge, and into the East River.

Sagittarius No one likes to hear that they're going to be confined to a wheelchair for the rest of their life. Teach your cockatiel something else to say.

Capricorn You can learn a lot by putting yourself in another person's shoes. Go the extra mile and put yourself in their clothes, their delicate hosieries, and their intoxicating undergarments.

Aquarius Giving birth is a life-changing experience, especially when it shoots straight out of your sternum like that.

Pisces Saturn in your sign this week is cause for concern, as Pisces has had a restraining order against the planet for years.

More Horoscope

« Your Horoscopes (February 24, 2009)
Your Horoscopes » (March 10, 2009)

Past Horoscopes

February 7, 2012

Aries The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you're supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car. Taurus That person you've been see...
January 31, 2012

Aries You've got tough row to hoe in front of you this week, which seems like merely a folksy euphemism until you find you've inherited a run-down potato farm. Taurus Conflicts at work and at home are cleared up instantl...
January 24, 2012

Aries Your death next week will seem inexplicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 "cross your heart and hope to die" pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben. Taurus Your fear of pub...
January 17, 2012

Aries Jupiter rising in your sign is usually an indicator of prosperous ambitions, but when it just keeps coming right at you, it becomes downright terrifying. Taurus You have yet to find a love worthy of your unique aff...
January 10, 2012

Aries You're not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity. Taurus You'll need to find new solutions t...
January 3, 2012

Aries To improve your spiritual health, avoid the myriad temptations of the flesh. This is most easily accomplished by repeating the word "flesh" over and over until it creeps you out. Taurus Most accidents occ...
December 6, 2011

Aries Sleep will continue to elude you this week, so keep binging on coffee and amphetamines until you have enough energy to catch it. Taurus You're not the sort of person who panics easily, which will keep you from gett...
November 15, 2011

Aries They say your problem is inoperable, but they're wrong: It's just incurable. Go ahead and do all the operating you want. Taurus You've never believed you were the poisoning type, but judging from all the news cover...
November 8, 2011

Aries A shocking revelation will shake you to the core of your being this week, which is odd, because it's merely the fact that the Doobie Brothers aren't actual brothers. Taurus Betrayal, treason, and vile cal-umny will...