Your Horoscopes

Horoscope ISSUE 45•10 Mar 3, 2009
  • Aries You'll have no choice but to eat the other passengers after your plane crashes into an Armor Hot Dog Processing Plant this week.
  • Taurus Remember: When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Then, when life least expects it, throw the lemonade right in its spiteful face.
  • Gemini Everyone laughed when you said mankind wouldn't last another 100 years, but that's because you did it in a funny Mexican accent.
  • Cancer On sale this week at Cancer. Love advice, 99 cents a pound. Fresh, organic prophecies, two for $2.25. Plus, Zodiac-brand Fortune Bars, only $4 until supplies last.
  • Leo Mosquitoes are usually attracted to body heat and perspiration, though in your case, it's the giant mosquito costume.
  • Virgo The cosmic sands of time will sweep through your sign this week, filling your shorts with eons of frustration.
  • Libra You're about to go through a real messy divorce, thanks in large part to the Philly cheese steak you'll refuse to put down.
  • Scorpio A magic carpet ride awaits Scorpio this week. Prepare to travel from the trunk of an old Buick, down the Brooklyn Bridge, and into the East River.
  • Sagittarius No one likes to hear that they're going to be confined to a wheelchair for the rest of their life. Teach your cockatiel something else to say.
  • Capricorn You can learn a lot by putting yourself in another person's shoes. Go the extra mile and put yourself in their clothes, their delicate hosieries, and their intoxicating undergarments.
  • Aquarius Giving birth is a life-changing experience, especially when it shoots straight out of your sternum like that.
  • Pisces Saturn in your sign this week is cause for concern, as Pisces has had a restraining order against the planet for years.