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Aries You've long thought of yourself as a left-brain type of person, but the stroke will quickly and dramatically change all that.

Taurus After years of putting up an emotional wall, you'll realize the error of your ways this week and purchase three tons of brick and cement instead.

Gemini You will uncover an ancient Aztec curse this Thursday, one frightened locals say translates to "motherfucker."

Cancer The baboon will see you as a threat to the social hierarchy of the pack, which truth be told, is giving you way too much credit.

Leo He'll scream, they'll scream, you'll all scream for ice cream—forcing several orderlies to rush back into the room and strap everyone down in their beds.

Virgo Interior decorators claim that only about 18 inches of space is needed for people to pass between furnishings, but that was before they got a load of you.

Libra When asked where you see yourself in five years, refrain from laughing wildly, crying suddenly, and jumping clear out of a nearby window.

Scorpio They say you're getting a little too old for a pacifier. Then again, as long as they let you keep sucking on their tits they can say whatever they want.

Sagittarius You're a great believer in "an eye for an eye," but you still don't understand why they always have to use yours.

Capricorn A car accident awaits you in the coming days, which is unfortunate, as it's the kind that involves too many Mountain Dews and not enough gas station.

Aquarius An abrupt lifestyle change will find you joining the skua, sheathbill and killer whale as the newest natural predator of the penguin.

Pisces You're a natural born skeptic, always questioning the world in your search for empirical truth, rejecting along the way pseudoscience, psychobabble, and any other nonsense—like all Pisces.

More Horoscope

« Your Horoscopes (March 3, 2009)
Your Horoscopes » (March 17, 2009)

Past Horoscopes

February 7, 2012

Aries The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you're supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car. Taurus That person you've been see...
January 31, 2012

Aries You've got tough row to hoe in front of you this week, which seems like merely a folksy euphemism until you find you've inherited a run-down potato farm. Taurus Conflicts at work and at home are cleared up instantl...
January 24, 2012

Aries Your death next week will seem inexplicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 "cross your heart and hope to die" pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben. Taurus Your fear of pub...
January 17, 2012

Aries Jupiter rising in your sign is usually an indicator of prosperous ambitions, but when it just keeps coming right at you, it becomes downright terrifying. Taurus You have yet to find a love worthy of your unique aff...
January 10, 2012

Aries You're not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity. Taurus You'll need to find new solutions t...
January 3, 2012

Aries To improve your spiritual health, avoid the myriad temptations of the flesh. This is most easily accomplished by repeating the word "flesh" over and over until it creeps you out. Taurus Most accidents occ...
December 6, 2011

Aries Sleep will continue to elude you this week, so keep binging on coffee and amphetamines until you have enough energy to catch it. Taurus You're not the sort of person who panics easily, which will keep you from gett...
November 15, 2011

Aries They say your problem is inoperable, but they're wrong: It's just incurable. Go ahead and do all the operating you want. Taurus You've never believed you were the poisoning type, but judging from all the news cover...
November 8, 2011

Aries A shocking revelation will shake you to the core of your being this week, which is odd, because it's merely the fact that the Doobie Brothers aren't actual brothers. Taurus Betrayal, treason, and vile cal-umny will...