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Aries Don't worry your pretty little head about next week's events. Instead, worry your pretty little arms, your pretty little legs, and that pretty little spine of yours about it.

Taurus The stars would love to give you some relationship advice, but then, they're still quite tired from having all that sex with your wife.

Gemini You'll be honored this week by the prestigious Academy Of Just Handing These Damn Things Out To Whoever's Around.

Cancer They say animals can often sense an earthquake moments before it strikes, which explains why so many of them are smiling at you right now.

Leo A premature and rather curious birth this week will bring new meaning to the idiom "all thumbs."

Virgo Your coworkers are beginning to tire of your lame excuses. Although, to be fair, that's really your plumber's fault.

Libra Looking back on it now, letting Sam Peckinpah direct your home movies was probably a big mistake.

Scorpio Note: This week's horoscope has been classified by the CIA due to a series of national security concerns. The constellation Scorpio has already been detained.

Sagittarius You've never felt comfortable with math or science, which makes complete sense, as the two disciplines molested you as a child.

Capricorn The judge will sentence you to three weeks of community service work at a nearby park, which is exactly what you were doing when the cops picked you up.

Aquarius Low-Risk Mutual Funds and Tax-Exempt Municipal Bonds might seem like a safe bet. But then, picking a racehorse based solely on its name is never the way to go.

Pisces Remember: Spring is a time of renewal and rebirth. Barricade the door to your goddamn basement before it arrives.

More Horoscope

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Your Horoscopes » (March 31, 2009)

Past Horoscopes

February 7, 2012

Aries The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you're supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car. Taurus That person you've been see...
January 31, 2012

Aries You've got tough row to hoe in front of you this week, which seems like merely a folksy euphemism until you find you've inherited a run-down potato farm. Taurus Conflicts at work and at home are cleared up instantl...
January 24, 2012

Aries Your death next week will seem inexplicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 "cross your heart and hope to die" pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben. Taurus Your fear of pub...
January 17, 2012

Aries Jupiter rising in your sign is usually an indicator of prosperous ambitions, but when it just keeps coming right at you, it becomes downright terrifying. Taurus You have yet to find a love worthy of your unique aff...
January 10, 2012

Aries You're not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity. Taurus You'll need to find new solutions t...
January 3, 2012

Aries To improve your spiritual health, avoid the myriad temptations of the flesh. This is most easily accomplished by repeating the word "flesh" over and over until it creeps you out. Taurus Most accidents occ...
December 6, 2011

Aries Sleep will continue to elude you this week, so keep binging on coffee and amphetamines until you have enough energy to catch it. Taurus You're not the sort of person who panics easily, which will keep you from gett...
November 15, 2011

Aries They say your problem is inoperable, but they're wrong: It's just incurable. Go ahead and do all the operating you want. Taurus You've never believed you were the poisoning type, but judging from all the news cover...
November 8, 2011

Aries A shocking revelation will shake you to the core of your being this week, which is odd, because it's merely the fact that the Doobie Brothers aren't actual brothers. Taurus Betrayal, treason, and vile cal-umny will...