Your Horoscopes

Horoscope ISSUE 45•14 Mar 31, 2009
  • Aries You'll have your train of thought derailed this week, instantly killing thousands of Indian passengers, injuring countless livestock, and choking the streets with cargo and crew.
  • Taurus Since the dawn of time, man has dreamed of flying. After this Thursday though, it'll mostly just be nightmares.
  • Gemini It's not true that everything you like is illegal, immoral, or fattening, but that's because you're a boring Puritan with no imagination or glands.
  • Cancer Not that it's really the Zodiac's business, but most people take the dead goldfish out of the tank before adding new ones. The same goes for the drowned cats.
  • Leo A freak accident this week will endow you with the relative strength and speed of 10 wheelchair-bound men.
  • Virgo You've never paid much attention to abandoned offshore oil platforms before, but suddenly everyone seems to think they'd be perfect for you.
  • Libra Getting laid off is a tough pill to swallow, though that's primarily because it's a suppository.
  • Scorpio Through the impressive process of extending Orion's celestial finger, the stars indicate that you should fuck off.
  • Sagittarius Sometimes you wish you could just close your eyes and disappear. Wait, no. Not sometimes. Always.
  • Capricorn Next time, when passing a note intended to find out if someone likes you, you'll know to provide more than one box to check.
  • Aquarius It turns out that Andy Warhol overestimated the duration of your fame by about 14 and a half minutes.
  • Pisces Although you've certainly slept your way somewhere, no one would ever mistake it for the top.