Your Horoscopes

- video
- sports
- On TV
- politics
- news beat
- more
- social
- A.V. Club
- Store
- Dating
- Contests

In The News
- Nicolas Cage Puppeteer
- Aging Americans
- Downton Abbey
- Obama Rant
- Last Updated 4:21 PM

Horoscope

Article Tools

Email

Email

To:

From:
Print
Share
Share
- Facebook
- Digg
- Stumble
- Reddit

Aries An unexpected visitor will wake you in the middle of the night, rush you to the bathroom, and leave you bloodied and scared. Congratulations, you're a woman now.

Taurus The stars indicate that it will be bigger than a breadbox, smaller than a dump truck, and just about as angry as most baboons can get.

Gemini The bible will stop the bullet dead in its tracks, though why you keep it fastened to your genitals like that is anyone's guess.

Cancer Punctuality has never been your strong suit. Keep those at work from finding out with a series of diversionary explosions this week.

Leo You'll fall for the oldest trick in the book, which is rather sad, as it's the one where everything comes together in the end.

Virgo No matter what path you ultimately take, or what choices you ultimately make, this week will still end with you being shot out of a cannon.

Libra Remember: Women like to be charmed, and wooed, and romanced from time to time, you unbelievable slut.

Scorpio A mixture of horror and impatience will be yours this week when you become the latest victim of the Doesn't Really Know What He's Doing Killer.

Sagittarius Surviving this week will hinge heavily on the bear's ability to understand English, his grasp of such higher concepts as mercy, and whether or not you'll let go of that honey.

Capricorn People and places from your past will come rushing back this week, thanks to a sudden hemorrhage of the temporal lobe.

Aquarius Either the whole thing is just one big coincidence, or they named a deadly species of blood-sucking parasite after you for a reason.

Pisces Starting next Thursday, every walk you go on will automatically be a Cancer Walk.

More Horoscope

« Your Horoscopes (March 31, 2009)
Your Horoscopes » (April 14, 2009)

Past Horoscopes

February 7, 2012

Aries The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you're supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car. Taurus That person you've been see...
January 31, 2012

Aries You've got tough row to hoe in front of you this week, which seems like merely a folksy euphemism until you find you've inherited a run-down potato farm. Taurus Conflicts at work and at home are cleared up instantl...
January 24, 2012

Aries Your death next week will seem inexplicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 "cross your heart and hope to die" pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben. Taurus Your fear of pub...
January 17, 2012

Aries Jupiter rising in your sign is usually an indicator of prosperous ambitions, but when it just keeps coming right at you, it becomes downright terrifying. Taurus You have yet to find a love worthy of your unique aff...
January 10, 2012

Aries You're not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity. Taurus You'll need to find new solutions t...
January 3, 2012

Aries To improve your spiritual health, avoid the myriad temptations of the flesh. This is most easily accomplished by repeating the word "flesh" over and over until it creeps you out. Taurus Most accidents occ...
December 6, 2011

Aries Sleep will continue to elude you this week, so keep binging on coffee and amphetamines until you have enough energy to catch it. Taurus You're not the sort of person who panics easily, which will keep you from gett...
November 15, 2011

Aries They say your problem is inoperable, but they're wrong: It's just incurable. Go ahead and do all the operating you want. Taurus You've never believed you were the poisoning type, but judging from all the news cover...
November 8, 2011

Aries A shocking revelation will shake you to the core of your being this week, which is odd, because it's merely the fact that the Doobie Brothers aren't actual brothers. Taurus Betrayal, treason, and vile cal-umny will...