Your Horoscopes

Horoscope ISSUE 45•18 May 1, 2009
  • Aries The stars foretell of a mad prophet rising in the East in the moon's next cycle. They hope this somehow helps you with your life.
  • Taurus No one will be able to describe your death without using a lot of violent hand gestures, making whooping sounds, and generally doing his or her best "angry chimp" imitation.
  • Gemini You have failed in your life's goal, but don't feel too bad: Of all the people who dream of working at a fast-food restaurant, only 98 percent actually make it.
  • Cancer Don't waste time developing a healthy body image, as your body will look a hell of a lot different starting Thursday.
  • Leo Turns out your nightmarish descent into alcoholism and drug abuse will be a lot more fun than expected.
  • Virgo The events of next week will closely mirror all the other events in your life up to that point.
  • Libra Your natural resourcefulness allows you to enjoy father-daughter day at the zoo, though you are neither a father nor a daughter, and you can't stand animals.
  • Scorpio Do not believe those who tell you they can see your future. They are merely preying upon your ignorant, fearful, superstitious nature.
  • Sagittarius Your decision to take up bicycling will cause many in your area to rethink their call for increased bicycle safety.
  • Capricorn You'll finally find yourself in a relationship that may not end with you asking the other person if they'd like a bag for that.
  • Aquarius Though your birthday falls into the correct range of dates, the stars say you are not actually an Aquarius. In fact, they are pretty sure you're an asshole.
  • Pisces You thought your new sports car could do everything but love you, so its declaration of devotion will come as quite a shock.