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Aries The stars foretell of a mad prophet rising in the East in the moon's next cycle. They hope this somehow helps you with your life.

Taurus No one will be able to describe your death without using a lot of violent hand gestures, making whooping sounds, and generally doing his or her best "angry chimp" imitation.

Gemini You have failed in your life's goal, but don't feel too bad: Of all the people who dream of working at a fast-food restaurant, only 98 percent actually make it.

Cancer Don't waste time developing a healthy body image, as your body will look a hell of a lot different starting Thursday.

Leo Turns out your nightmarish descent into alcoholism and drug abuse will be a lot more fun than expected.

Virgo The events of next week will closely mirror all the other events in your life up to that point.

Libra Your natural resourcefulness allows you to enjoy father-daughter day at the zoo, though you are neither a father nor a daughter, and you can't stand animals.

Scorpio Do not believe those who tell you they can see your future. They are merely preying upon your ignorant, fearful, superstitious nature.

Sagittarius Your decision to take up bicycling will cause many in your area to rethink their call for increased bicycle safety.

Capricorn You'll finally find yourself in a relationship that may not end with you asking the other person if they'd like a bag for that.

Aquarius Though your birthday falls into the correct range of dates, the stars say you are not actually an Aquarius. In fact, they are pretty sure you're an asshole.

Pisces You thought your new sports car could do everything but love you, so its declaration of devotion will come as quite a shock.

More Horoscope

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Your Horoscopes » (May 5, 2009)

Past Horoscopes

February 7, 2012

Aries The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you're supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car. Taurus That person you've been see...
January 31, 2012

Aries You've got tough row to hoe in front of you this week, which seems like merely a folksy euphemism until you find you've inherited a run-down potato farm. Taurus Conflicts at work and at home are cleared up instantl...
January 24, 2012

Aries Your death next week will seem inexplicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 "cross your heart and hope to die" pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben. Taurus Your fear of pub...
January 17, 2012

Aries Jupiter rising in your sign is usually an indicator of prosperous ambitions, but when it just keeps coming right at you, it becomes downright terrifying. Taurus You have yet to find a love worthy of your unique aff...
January 10, 2012

Aries You're not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity. Taurus You'll need to find new solutions t...
January 3, 2012

Aries To improve your spiritual health, avoid the myriad temptations of the flesh. This is most easily accomplished by repeating the word "flesh" over and over until it creeps you out. Taurus Most accidents occ...
December 6, 2011

Aries Sleep will continue to elude you this week, so keep binging on coffee and amphetamines until you have enough energy to catch it. Taurus You're not the sort of person who panics easily, which will keep you from gett...
November 15, 2011

Aries They say your problem is inoperable, but they're wrong: It's just incurable. Go ahead and do all the operating you want. Taurus You've never believed you were the poisoning type, but judging from all the news cover...
November 8, 2011

Aries A shocking revelation will shake you to the core of your being this week, which is odd, because it's merely the fact that the Doobie Brothers aren't actual brothers. Taurus Betrayal, treason, and vile cal-umny will...