• Aries The stars believe that a person must make his own mistakes, but they warn you not to do anything that may, say, burn down Chicago this week.
  • Taurus Only God can judge you. Unfortunately, He's been appearing to all your friends and telling them what an asshole you are.
  • Gemini The black widow spider does not have the most powerful venom of any spider in the world, but it's still going to do quite a number on your legs.
  • Cancer The truth is indeed elusive, hard to comprehend, and subjective. What we're trying to say is: You're fat.
  • Leo There hasn't been a stampeding death in your area in more than a century, but your air horn and steer costume will change all that.
  • Virgo Take solace in this: There is a meaning and purpose to the universe, even if it's far too complicated for you to understand, and won't pay off for years.
  • Libra Some may call your breast implants tacky, but at least you had the guts to try out unconventional shapes.
  • Scorpio You've always been a fashion-forward trendsetter, which is why, after next Thursday, they'll all be saying that getting shot in the face is the new black.
  • Sagittarius Gradual, almost imperceptible change will make you a better person over the course of the next 37,000 years.
  • Capricorn The stars could reveal your future, but they'd just be repeating what the Love Tester at the fair already told you.
  • Aquarius People will come from miles around to seek your wisdom on all manner of things, which is proof that people will do anything for a good laugh.
  • Pisces You'll never smile again after the tragic loss of your lower jaw and lips this week.