Horoscope

05.26.09 | ISSUE 45•22

  • Aries A priest, a rabbi, and a minister will walk into a bar this week, order three stiff drinks, and break down crying in one of the most depressing jokes you've ever heard.
  • Taurus Friends and family members have often compared you to a china doll, but the resemblance will be uncanny next week when your limbs are broken and your head is pulled loose.
  • Gemini The presence of Mercury in your sign can only mean one thing: The stars have officially run out of euphemisms for discussing your monthly menstruation.
  • Cancer The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the near future.
  • Leo Remember: No matter how bad things get, or how hopeless life may seem, you can always go home again and take it out on your family.
  • Virgo You'll soon die of embarrassment, though not before the vibrator-wielding chimpanzees manage to crack through your skull.
  • Libra A bizarre chain of existential mishaps will result in your third viewing of the hit romantic comedy Sleepless in Seattle this week.
  • Scorpio As someone who has never been very comfortable with the sight of blood, you should avoid next Thursday's baby shower at all costs.
  • Sagittarius You'll have your mind blown this week by nothing more than a shotgun slug traveling nearly at the speed of sound.
  • Capricorn A hand crank, two steel hooks attached at opposite ends of the oral cavity, and sheer mechanical force will soon leave you with a giant smile on your face.
  • Aquarius Don't let negativity win out today, even though it probably will, because you're a worthless human being who most likely doesn't deserve to be happy!
  • Pisces In dog years, your border collie will soon turn 50, which explains the suit and tie, the growing stack of Wall Street Journals, and the rather conservative political worldview.

    • Past Horoscopes

    • February 7, 2012

      Aries The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you're supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car. Taurus That person you've been see...

    • January 31, 2012

      Aries You've got tough row to hoe in front of you this week, which seems like merely a folksy euphemism until you find you've inherited a run-down potato farm. Taurus Conflicts at work and at home are cleared up instantl...

    • January 24, 2012

      Aries Your death next week will seem in­explicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 "cross your heart and hope to die" pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben. Taurus Your fear of pub...

    • January 17, 2012

      Aries Jupiter rising in your sign is usually an indicator of prosperous ambitions, but when it just keeps coming right at you, it becomes downright terrifying. Taurus You have yet to find a love worthy of your unique aff...

    • January 10, 2012

      Aries You're not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity. Taurus You'll need to find new solutions t...

    • January 3, 2012

      Aries To improve your spiritual health, avoid the myriad temptations of the flesh. This is most easily accomplished by repeating the word "flesh" over and over until it creeps you out. Taurus Most accidents occ...

    • December 6, 2011

      Aries Sleep will continue to elude you this week, so keep binging on coffee and amphetamines until you have enough energy to catch it. Taurus You're not the sort of person who panics easily, which will keep you from gett...

    • November 15, 2011

      Aries They say your problem is inoperable, but they're wrong: It's just incurable. Go ahead and do all the operating you want. Taurus You've never believed you were the poisoning type, but judging from all the news cover...

    • November 8, 2011

      Aries A shocking revelation will shake you to the core of your being this week, which is odd, because it's merely the fact that the Doobie Brothers aren't actual brothers. Taurus Betrayal, treason, and vile cal-umny will...

    See All Horoscopes
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