Your Horoscopes

Horoscope ISSUE 45•24 Jun 9, 2009
  • Aries Your life will be drab and gray until you discover that your stuffed animals can be posed in amusing sexual positions.
  • Taurus Don't be so sensitive. Sometimes, when people say "big, fat, flaming asshole," they really just mean "fat asshole."
  • Gemini You're the kind of person who likes to have the right tool for the job, so don't be caught without a complete set of dental picks this week.
  • Cancer Jupiter is in your sun sign this week, making it pretty crowded in there, what with Jupiter being the largest of the planets and all.
  • Leo You thought true love would last forever, but you're shocked to discover an expiration date printed on the back, just below the consumer warnings.
  • Virgo Financial reward could be in your future this week, as Gemini is offering limited-time zero-percent interest on all balances transferred from other Zodiac signs. Apply now.
  • Libra You will fall victim to a dangerous personality disorder that makes you believe that the personal lives of celebrities are interesting and important.
  • Scorpio Frankly, the stars don't understand what your problem is with calamari. So what if it's tentacles? It's delicious! Eat it already!
  • Sagittarius You'll feel cheated this week when you discover there's no law that says you have to be nice to old ladies.
  • Capricorn Next week will be a time of great financial and emotional rewards. It's just too bad you won't be there to see it.
  • Aquarius Your shocking decision to pose nude in Cosmopolitan may not have created such a stir had you asked the editors' permission first.
  • Pisces The stars indicate you shouldn't forget Katya's potluck this Friday at 6 p.m.