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Aries Your life will be drab and gray until you discover that your stuffed animals can be posed in amusing sexual positions.

Taurus Don't be so sensitive. Sometimes, when people say "big, fat, flaming asshole," they really just mean "fat asshole."

Gemini You're the kind of person who likes to have the right tool for the job, so don't be caught without a complete set of dental picks this week.

Cancer Jupiter is in your sun sign this week, making it pretty crowded in there, what with Jupiter being the largest of the planets and all.

Leo You thought true love would last forever, but you're shocked to discover an expiration date printed on the back, just below the consumer warnings.

Virgo Financial reward could be in your future this week, as Gemini is offering limited-time zero-percent interest on all balances transferred from other Zodiac signs. Apply now.

Libra You will fall victim to a dangerous personality disorder that makes you believe that the personal lives of celebrities are interesting and important.

Scorpio Frankly, the stars don't understand what your problem is with calamari. So what if it's tentacles? It's delicious! Eat it already!

Sagittarius You'll feel cheated this week when you discover there's no law that says you have to be nice to old ladies.

Capricorn Next week will be a time of great financial and emotional rewards. It's just too bad you won't be there to see it.

Aquarius Your shocking decision to pose nude in Cosmopolitan may not have created such a stir had you asked the editors' permission first.

Pisces The stars indicate you shouldn't forget Katya's potluck this Friday at 6 p.m.

More Horoscope

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Past Horoscopes

February 7, 2012

Aries The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you're supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car. Taurus That person you've been see...
January 31, 2012

Aries You've got tough row to hoe in front of you this week, which seems like merely a folksy euphemism until you find you've inherited a run-down potato farm. Taurus Conflicts at work and at home are cleared up instantl...
January 24, 2012

Aries Your death next week will seem inexplicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 "cross your heart and hope to die" pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben. Taurus Your fear of pub...
January 17, 2012

Aries Jupiter rising in your sign is usually an indicator of prosperous ambitions, but when it just keeps coming right at you, it becomes downright terrifying. Taurus You have yet to find a love worthy of your unique aff...
January 10, 2012

Aries You're not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity. Taurus You'll need to find new solutions t...
January 3, 2012

Aries To improve your spiritual health, avoid the myriad temptations of the flesh. This is most easily accomplished by repeating the word "flesh" over and over until it creeps you out. Taurus Most accidents occ...
December 6, 2011

Aries Sleep will continue to elude you this week, so keep binging on coffee and amphetamines until you have enough energy to catch it. Taurus You're not the sort of person who panics easily, which will keep you from gett...
November 15, 2011

Aries They say your problem is inoperable, but they're wrong: It's just incurable. Go ahead and do all the operating you want. Taurus You've never believed you were the poisoning type, but judging from all the news cover...
November 8, 2011

Aries A shocking revelation will shake you to the core of your being this week, which is odd, because it's merely the fact that the Doobie Brothers aren't actual brothers. Taurus Betrayal, treason, and vile cal-umny will...