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Aries Your marriage will soon erode to the point where you'll be sorely tempted to turn her in for the reward money.

Taurus The stars find that the time has come for you to put away childish things. Yes, that includes your three small children.

Gemini If there is more to life than fishing, you don't want to know what it is. This will help explain your death from malnutrition and dehydration next week.

Cancer You will be shocked to learn that, due to a legal fluke, your long-term houseguest is now your common-law wife.

Leo Try as you might, you will not be able to improve your mediocre putting game. Gee, some big fucking problems you got, asshole.

Virgo After 14 long years, you will be admitted to the Baseball Hall Of Fame when you finally come up with the $11.50 admission price.

Libra Start childproofing your house now, as a pack of bloodthirsty feral children is headed your way.

Scorpio Telling the waitress that you could make a better cup of coffee from the sweat on your balls won't do her any good. Show her how.

Sagittarius You never thought anything could ever replace sex in your life, but that was before you tried pouring yourself a nice stiff drink, putting on some music, and having sex.

Capricorn Financial experts know that a number of factors are to blame for the downturn, but they won't be able to shake the hunch that it was all your fault somehow.

Aquarius Your uniqueness as a human being is threatened when you find a person who enjoys ham just as much as you do.

Pisces Remember: No matter how bad things get, or how hopeless life may seem, you can always go home again and take it out on your family.

More Horoscope

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Past Horoscopes

February 7, 2012

Aries The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you're supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car. Taurus That person you've been see...
January 31, 2012

Aries You've got tough row to hoe in front of you this week, which seems like merely a folksy euphemism until you find you've inherited a run-down potato farm. Taurus Conflicts at work and at home are cleared up instantl...
January 24, 2012

Aries Your death next week will seem inexplicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 "cross your heart and hope to die" pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben. Taurus Your fear of pub...
January 17, 2012

Aries Jupiter rising in your sign is usually an indicator of prosperous ambitions, but when it just keeps coming right at you, it becomes downright terrifying. Taurus You have yet to find a love worthy of your unique aff...
January 10, 2012

Aries You're not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity. Taurus You'll need to find new solutions t...
January 3, 2012

Aries To improve your spiritual health, avoid the myriad temptations of the flesh. This is most easily accomplished by repeating the word "flesh" over and over until it creeps you out. Taurus Most accidents occ...
December 6, 2011

Aries Sleep will continue to elude you this week, so keep binging on coffee and amphetamines until you have enough energy to catch it. Taurus You're not the sort of person who panics easily, which will keep you from gett...
November 15, 2011

Aries They say your problem is inoperable, but they're wrong: It's just incurable. Go ahead and do all the operating you want. Taurus You've never believed you were the poisoning type, but judging from all the news cover...
November 8, 2011

Aries A shocking revelation will shake you to the core of your being this week, which is odd, because it's merely the fact that the Doobie Brothers aren't actual brothers. Taurus Betrayal, treason, and vile cal-umny will...