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Aries Your marriage will soon erode to the point where you'll be sorely tempted to turn her in for the reward money.

Taurus The stars find that the time has come for you to put away childish things. Yes, that includes your three small children.

Gemini If there is more to life than fishing, you don't want to know what it is. This will help explain your death from malnutrition and dehydration next week.

Cancer You will be shocked to learn that, due to a legal fluke, your long-term houseguest is now your common-law wife.

Leo Try as you might, you will not be able to improve your mediocre putting game. Gee, some big fucking problems you got, asshole.

Virgo After 14 long years, you will be admitted to the Baseball Hall Of Fame when you finally come up with the $11.50 admission price.

Libra Start childproofing your house now, as a pack of bloodthirsty feral children is headed your way.

Scorpio Telling the waitress that you could make a better cup of coffee from the sweat on your balls won't do her any good. Show her how.

Sagittarius You never thought anything could ever replace sex in your life, but that was before you tried pouring yourself a nice stiff drink, putting on some music, and having sex.

Capricorn Financial experts know that a number of factors are to blame for the downturn, but they won't be able to shake the hunch that it was all your fault somehow.

Aquarius Your uniqueness as a human being is threatened when you find a person who enjoys ham just as much as you do.

Pisces Remember: No matter how bad things get, or how hopeless life may seem, you can always go home again and take it out on your family.

More Horoscope

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Past Horoscopes

May 22, 2012

Aries No one can argue effectively without the correct set of tools, so make sure you have a hammer in each hand. Taurus Just take things one day at a time this week, even though you're up against a race of impossibly ad...
May 15, 2012

Aries Patience will see you through life’s most harrowing times. Plus you can fake patience by just sleeping constantly. Taurus For the last time: You do not have miraculous stigmata that cause you to bleed like th...
May 8, 2012

Aries You've tried everything you can think of to stop yourself from gaining weight. Unfortunately, you have your best ideas while eating entire coconut-cream pies. Taurus Despite your efforts to be a modern-day hero, yo...
May 1, 2012

Aries You will experience unbounded happiness and success in every area of your life this week, unless of course there is something fundamentally and irreversibly wrong with you. Taurus Your life story will bring much-ne...
April 24, 2012

Aries Sex with you is an earth-shattering experience, especially the part where hundreds of Indonesians lose their lives. Taurus Your shortness of breath and wild fainting spells will be cured this week, thanks to a seri...
April 17, 2012

Aries Your feeling of impending doom shall come to nothing again this week as the world continues to turn and your life goes on as normal. Perhaps you should consider feeling useless and stupid instead. Taurus Our survey...
March 27, 2012

Aries This is a good time to make big moves at work, as you'll show up Monday to find all the furniture's gone and everyone has relocated to a new office somewhere outside Gary, IN. Taurus You'll experience a desire to s...
March 20, 2012

Aries You will finally be reunited with your family when a sudden mudslide exposes their long-buried station wagon. Taurus Moses died within sight of his goals after wandering in the desert for 40 years, but you'll beat ...
March 13, 2012

Aries Not only will romance, adventure, and thrills refuse to come to you, they will also refuse to come to theaters near you. Taurus Everyone must eventually choose between what they really must do and what they merely ...