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Aries Avoid confrontation at work today. Sneak up behind your boss and slowly strangle him to death.

Taurus Your work with disadvantaged and at-risk youth continues this Thursday when you’re forced to hand them your wallet.

Gemini Most firearm accidents occur in the home. Avoid the chance of serious injury by getting shot repeatedly at work this week.

Cancer Follow your dreams this week. When delivering a presentation at work, turn into a giant eggplant and fly away.

Leo The stars foresee a second job promotion in the days to come, though they should probably be telling Dave about it instead of you.

Virgo Punctuality has never been your strong suit. Keep those at work from finding out with a series of diversionary explosions this week.

Libra Getting laid off is a tough pill to swallow, though that’s primarily because it’s a suppository.

Scorpio Your coworkers are beginning to tire of your lame excuses. Although, to be fair, that’s really your plumber’s fault.

Sagittarius The kind of pressure you'll deal with this week would kill a lesser man, which, unfortunately, is exactly what you are.

Capricorn When asked where you see yourself in five years, refrain from laughing wildly, crying suddenly, and jumping clear out of a nearby window.

Aquarius Your fear of heights worsens this Thursday when the vertical measurement calls you at home, breathes heavily into the receiver, and threatens to murder your loved ones in their sleep.

Pisces No matter what path you ultimately take, or what choices you ultimately make, this week will still end with you being shot out of a cannon.

More Horoscope

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Your Horoscopes » (June 30, 2009)

Past Horoscopes

February 7, 2012

Aries The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you're supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car. Taurus That person you've been see...
January 31, 2012

Aries You've got tough row to hoe in front of you this week, which seems like merely a folksy euphemism until you find you've inherited a run-down potato farm. Taurus Conflicts at work and at home are cleared up instantl...
January 24, 2012

Aries Your death next week will seem inexplicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 "cross your heart and hope to die" pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben. Taurus Your fear of pub...
January 17, 2012

Aries Jupiter rising in your sign is usually an indicator of prosperous ambitions, but when it just keeps coming right at you, it becomes downright terrifying. Taurus You have yet to find a love worthy of your unique aff...
January 10, 2012

Aries You're not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity. Taurus You'll need to find new solutions t...
January 3, 2012

Aries To improve your spiritual health, avoid the myriad temptations of the flesh. This is most easily accomplished by repeating the word "flesh" over and over until it creeps you out. Taurus Most accidents occ...
December 6, 2011

Aries Sleep will continue to elude you this week, so keep binging on coffee and amphetamines until you have enough energy to catch it. Taurus You're not the sort of person who panics easily, which will keep you from gett...
November 15, 2011

Aries They say your problem is inoperable, but they're wrong: It's just incurable. Go ahead and do all the operating you want. Taurus You've never believed you were the poisoning type, but judging from all the news cover...
November 8, 2011

Aries A shocking revelation will shake you to the core of your being this week, which is odd, because it's merely the fact that the Doobie Brothers aren't actual brothers. Taurus Betrayal, treason, and vile cal-umny will...