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Aries You’ll feast on the flesh of your mortal enemy, which is lucky for you, as your mortal enemy is the orange-braised duck.

Taurus Friends will soon discover the secret ingredient to your world-famous lemon bars, though they’ll lack the necessary motor functions to tell others.

Gemini You’re no art expert, but you know what you like, which explains all the meatball sandwiches hanging on your walls.

Cancer The stars fucking give up—if you want another slice of blueberry pie, just go ahead and have another slice of blueberry pie.

Leo While it's true that every man has his price, yours is the only one clearly labeled at the top of a pancake menu.

Virgo It might not be today, and it might not be tomorrow, but you’ll soon come to regret staging a pie-eating contest to select a new wife.

Libra You’re about to go through a real messy divorce, thanks in large part to the Philly cheese steak you’ll refuse to put down.

Scorpio The stars apologize for last week’s prediction of “money problems.” Looks like they forgot the “k” in there.

Sagittarius You’ll have no choice but to eat the other passengers after your plane crashes into an Armor Hot Dog Processing Plant this week.

Capricorn Don’t spend the rest of your life wondering “what if?” Dress the dog in full military regalia before it’s too late.

Aquarius Turns out it was the butler, in the study, with the candlestick. But enough about your love life.

Pisces You’ll turn to religion this week, dislocating your neck, both shoulders, and most of your tendons in the process.

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Past Horoscopes

May 22, 2012

Aries No one can argue effectively without the correct set of tools, so make sure you have a hammer in each hand. Taurus Just take things one day at a time this week, even though you're up against a race of impossibly ad...
May 15, 2012

Aries Patience will see you through life’s most harrowing times. Plus you can fake patience by just sleeping constantly. Taurus For the last time: You do not have miraculous stigmata that cause you to bleed like th...
May 8, 2012

Aries You've tried everything you can think of to stop yourself from gaining weight. Unfortunately, you have your best ideas while eating entire coconut-cream pies. Taurus Despite your efforts to be a modern-day hero, yo...
May 1, 2012

Aries You will experience unbounded happiness and success in every area of your life this week, unless of course there is something fundamentally and irreversibly wrong with you. Taurus Your life story will bring much-ne...
April 24, 2012

Aries Sex with you is an earth-shattering experience, especially the part where hundreds of Indonesians lose their lives. Taurus Your shortness of breath and wild fainting spells will be cured this week, thanks to a seri...
April 17, 2012

Aries Your feeling of impending doom shall come to nothing again this week as the world continues to turn and your life goes on as normal. Perhaps you should consider feeling useless and stupid instead. Taurus Our survey...
March 27, 2012

Aries This is a good time to make big moves at work, as you'll show up Monday to find all the furniture's gone and everyone has relocated to a new office somewhere outside Gary, IN. Taurus You'll experience a desire to s...
March 20, 2012

Aries You will finally be reunited with your family when a sudden mudslide exposes their long-buried station wagon. Taurus Moses died within sight of his goals after wandering in the desert for 40 years, but you'll beat ...
March 13, 2012

Aries Not only will romance, adventure, and thrills refuse to come to you, they will also refuse to come to theaters near you. Taurus Everyone must eventually choose between what they really must do and what they merely ...