• Aries You’ll feast on the flesh of your mortal enemy, which is lucky for you, as your mortal enemy is the orange-braised duck.
  • Taurus Friends will soon discover the secret ingredient to your world-famous lemon bars, though they’ll lack the necessary motor functions to tell others.
  • Gemini You’re no art expert, but you know what you like, which explains all the meatball sandwiches hanging on your walls.
  • Cancer The stars fucking give up—if you want another slice of blueberry pie, just go ahead and have another slice of blueberry pie.
  • Leo While it's true that every man has his price, yours is the only one clearly labeled at the top of a pancake menu.
  • Virgo It might not be today, and it might not be tomorrow, but you’ll soon come to regret staging a pie-eating contest to select a new wife.
  • Libra You’re about to go through a real messy divorce, thanks in large part to the Philly cheese steak you’ll refuse to put down.
  • Scorpio The stars apologize for last week’s prediction of “money problems.” Looks like they forgot the “k” in there.
  • Sagittarius You’ll have no choice but to eat the other passengers after your plane crashes into an Armor Hot Dog Processing Plant this week.
  • Capricorn Don’t spend the rest of your life wondering “what if?” Dress the dog in full military regalia before it’s too late.
  • Aquarius Turns out it was the butler, in the study, with the candlestick. But enough about your love life.
  • Pisces You’ll turn to religion this week, dislocating your neck, both shoulders, and most of your tendons in the process.