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Aries You’ll feast on the flesh of your mortal enemy, which is lucky for you, as your mortal enemy is the orange-braised duck.

Taurus Friends will soon discover the secret ingredient to your world-famous lemon bars, though they’ll lack the necessary motor functions to tell others.

Gemini You’re no art expert, but you know what you like, which explains all the meatball sandwiches hanging on your walls.

Cancer The stars fucking give up—if you want another slice of blueberry pie, just go ahead and have another slice of blueberry pie.

Leo While it's true that every man has his price, yours is the only one clearly labeled at the top of a pancake menu.

Virgo It might not be today, and it might not be tomorrow, but you’ll soon come to regret staging a pie-eating contest to select a new wife.

Libra You’re about to go through a real messy divorce, thanks in large part to the Philly cheese steak you’ll refuse to put down.

Scorpio The stars apologize for last week’s prediction of “money problems.” Looks like they forgot the “k” in there.

Sagittarius You’ll have no choice but to eat the other passengers after your plane crashes into an Armor Hot Dog Processing Plant this week.

Capricorn Don’t spend the rest of your life wondering “what if?” Dress the dog in full military regalia before it’s too late.

Aquarius Turns out it was the butler, in the study, with the candlestick. But enough about your love life.

Pisces You’ll turn to religion this week, dislocating your neck, both shoulders, and most of your tendons in the process.

More Horoscope

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Past Horoscopes

February 7, 2012

Aries The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you're supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car. Taurus That person you've been see...
January 31, 2012

Aries You've got tough row to hoe in front of you this week, which seems like merely a folksy euphemism until you find you've inherited a run-down potato farm. Taurus Conflicts at work and at home are cleared up instantl...
January 24, 2012

Aries Your death next week will seem inexplicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 "cross your heart and hope to die" pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben. Taurus Your fear of pub...
January 17, 2012

Aries Jupiter rising in your sign is usually an indicator of prosperous ambitions, but when it just keeps coming right at you, it becomes downright terrifying. Taurus You have yet to find a love worthy of your unique aff...
January 10, 2012

Aries You're not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity. Taurus You'll need to find new solutions t...
January 3, 2012

Aries To improve your spiritual health, avoid the myriad temptations of the flesh. This is most easily accomplished by repeating the word "flesh" over and over until it creeps you out. Taurus Most accidents occ...
December 6, 2011

Aries Sleep will continue to elude you this week, so keep binging on coffee and amphetamines until you have enough energy to catch it. Taurus You're not the sort of person who panics easily, which will keep you from gett...
November 15, 2011

Aries They say your problem is inoperable, but they're wrong: It's just incurable. Go ahead and do all the operating you want. Taurus You've never believed you were the poisoning type, but judging from all the news cover...
November 8, 2011

Aries A shocking revelation will shake you to the core of your being this week, which is odd, because it's merely the fact that the Doobie Brothers aren't actual brothers. Taurus Betrayal, treason, and vile cal-umny will...