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Aries You're finally entering the period of life in which the things that you want to do greatly outnumber the things that you will eventually do.

Taurus The way to respond to a stupid question is to pretend not to hear it, which is why your friends all seem to have hearing problems.

Gemini An elite squad of international assassins will target you in an effort to make sure that the secrets behind your famous chili stay secret.

Cancer Everyone has one of those uncles who knows how to use a rifle, add a deck to the house, and catch a trout—everyone, that is, except for your nephew.

Leo After everyone has spoken, there will be an awkward, 90-second silence, at which point people will agree that you've been eulogized enough.

Virgo The debate on whether we have a shame- or a guilt-based society is complicated when, due to some odd circumstances, you kill a man by shitting your pants.

Libra Once again, you'll be surprised by how many of your troubles can be traced back to that smelly old couch.

Scorpio Though it's noble that you became an accounts adjuster to make the world a better place, it remains unclear exactly how that's going to happen.

Sagittarius Keep in mind that it's important to set goals so you feel appropriately pathetic when you fail to achieve them.

Capricorn Heartbreak is in the stars for you this week when the woman of your dreams confesses she cannot love a man with such an unholy appetite for pie.

Aquarius You've had your picture in the paper before, but never in connection with a catastrophic bridge collapse.

Pisces Remember, it's not how hard you beat the goat, but whether the goat you're beating is on fire.

More Horoscope

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Past Horoscopes

February 7, 2012

Aries The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you're supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car. Taurus That person you've been see...
January 31, 2012

Aries You've got tough row to hoe in front of you this week, which seems like merely a folksy euphemism until you find you've inherited a run-down potato farm. Taurus Conflicts at work and at home are cleared up instantl...
January 24, 2012

Aries Your death next week will seem inexplicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 "cross your heart and hope to die" pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben. Taurus Your fear of pub...
January 17, 2012

Aries Jupiter rising in your sign is usually an indicator of prosperous ambitions, but when it just keeps coming right at you, it becomes downright terrifying. Taurus You have yet to find a love worthy of your unique aff...
January 10, 2012

Aries You're not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity. Taurus You'll need to find new solutions t...
January 3, 2012

Aries To improve your spiritual health, avoid the myriad temptations of the flesh. This is most easily accomplished by repeating the word "flesh" over and over until it creeps you out. Taurus Most accidents occ...
December 6, 2011

Aries Sleep will continue to elude you this week, so keep binging on coffee and amphetamines until you have enough energy to catch it. Taurus You're not the sort of person who panics easily, which will keep you from gett...
November 15, 2011

Aries They say your problem is inoperable, but they're wrong: It's just incurable. Go ahead and do all the operating you want. Taurus You've never believed you were the poisoning type, but judging from all the news cover...
November 8, 2011

Aries A shocking revelation will shake you to the core of your being this week, which is odd, because it's merely the fact that the Doobie Brothers aren't actual brothers. Taurus Betrayal, treason, and vile cal-umny will...