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Aries You're beginning to wonder exactly who is in charge of quality control for all those treasure maps.

Taurus An otherwise enjoyable week is shot to hell when you have several phone conversations with people from L.A.

Gemini You've never been one to take offense at accusations of arrogance, especially since they're all bullshit anyway.

Cancer It's impossible for you to get more tail than a dogcatcher—partially because of your poor hygiene, but mainly because you're a dogcatcher.

Leo You will abandon your search for the wisdom of the East when it turns out to be devoid of cool kung-fu moves.

Virgo Good things will happen when you least expect them, greatly embarrassing you while you're trying to enjoy a shit in peace.

Libra Having a girl pop out of the birthday cake was a fine idea, but you really should have given more thought as to when to cut the cake.

Scorpio Next week will feature family scandal, almost a dozen murders, a drowned girlfriend, and lots of manic depression, yet it's not in any way based on Hamlet.

Sagittarius You will suffer dire consequences after toying with powerful forces you do not understand—namely gravity.

Capricorn Everything you touch will soon turn to gold, giving the cops a glittering, sparkling trail of 9-year-olds to follow.

Aquarius Your defense lawyer is one of the best, but he will have a hard time blaming those 11 murders on the bossa nova, the dance of love.

Pisces You are in grave danger of losing whatever credibility you had as a psychiatrist, which is strange, as you've been in floor coverings for 17 years.

More Horoscope

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Your Horoscopes » (July 22, 2009)

Past Horoscopes

February 7, 2012

Aries The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you're supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car. Taurus That person you've been see...
January 31, 2012

Aries You've got tough row to hoe in front of you this week, which seems like merely a folksy euphemism until you find you've inherited a run-down potato farm. Taurus Conflicts at work and at home are cleared up instantl...
January 24, 2012

Aries Your death next week will seem inexplicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 "cross your heart and hope to die" pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben. Taurus Your fear of pub...
January 17, 2012

Aries Jupiter rising in your sign is usually an indicator of prosperous ambitions, but when it just keeps coming right at you, it becomes downright terrifying. Taurus You have yet to find a love worthy of your unique aff...
January 10, 2012

Aries You're not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity. Taurus You'll need to find new solutions t...
January 3, 2012

Aries To improve your spiritual health, avoid the myriad temptations of the flesh. This is most easily accomplished by repeating the word "flesh" over and over until it creeps you out. Taurus Most accidents occ...
December 6, 2011

Aries Sleep will continue to elude you this week, so keep binging on coffee and amphetamines until you have enough energy to catch it. Taurus You're not the sort of person who panics easily, which will keep you from gett...
November 15, 2011

Aries They say your problem is inoperable, but they're wrong: It's just incurable. Go ahead and do all the operating you want. Taurus You've never believed you were the poisoning type, but judging from all the news cover...
November 8, 2011

Aries A shocking revelation will shake you to the core of your being this week, which is odd, because it's merely the fact that the Doobie Brothers aren't actual brothers. Taurus Betrayal, treason, and vile cal-umny will...