Horoscope

08.11.09 | ISSUE 45•33

  • Aries The stars don't understand how you can sleep at night after everything that you've done, though they're mostly just referring to all the napping.
  • Taurus Remember: Some people were put on this earth to achieve great things. Other people, like you, are just here to help with exposition and backstory.
  • Gemini Much to your horror, the other shoe will finally drop this week, along with the other sock, half-a-dozen metal screws, and the other prosthetic leg.
  • Cancer You'd do just about anything to be able to see your father again, which is too bad, as he's healthy, happy, and living at an assisted living center in Coral Springs.
  • Leo The earth and moon continue their age-old cosmic dance this week, bumping into nearby star systems, and bringing untold death and destruction to millions of lives.
  • Virgo This little piggy went to market, and this little piggy stayed home, but this little piggy—this little piggy right here—will be mailed to friends and family members for a healthy ransom.
  • Libra You'll laugh all the way to the bank this week, before seeing your account statement, monthly service charges, looming overdraft fees, and crying all the way back home.
  • Scorpio The stars indicate that you're way ahead of your time. Specifically, the year 2436, when covering oneself in bird dung and screaming angrily at the Sun will be commonplace.
  • Sagittarius The ebb and flow of the ocean tide will greatly influence your future this week, pushing you further and further away from all those rescue ships.
  • Capricorn It slices, it dices—it makes perfect shoestring fries each and every time! It's Susan, the woman you married 15 years ago and now treat more like a kitchen appliance than your very wife!
  • Aquarius They say that home is where the heart is, but little do they know about the metal box, the bloody towels, and the crosscut saw beneath the floorboards.
  • Pisces An attractive member of the opposite sex will misconstrue your coy flirtations this week, leaving you unfulfilled and embarrassed, but with a very full sugar bowl.

    • Past Horoscopes

    • February 7, 2012

      Aries The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you're supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car. Taurus That person you've been see...

    • January 31, 2012

      Aries You've got tough row to hoe in front of you this week, which seems like merely a folksy euphemism until you find you've inherited a run-down potato farm. Taurus Conflicts at work and at home are cleared up instantl...

    • January 24, 2012

      Aries Your death next week will seem in­explicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 "cross your heart and hope to die" pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben. Taurus Your fear of pub...

    • January 17, 2012

      Aries Jupiter rising in your sign is usually an indicator of prosperous ambitions, but when it just keeps coming right at you, it becomes downright terrifying. Taurus You have yet to find a love worthy of your unique aff...

    • January 10, 2012

      Aries You're not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity. Taurus You'll need to find new solutions t...

    • January 3, 2012

      Aries To improve your spiritual health, avoid the myriad temptations of the flesh. This is most easily accomplished by repeating the word "flesh" over and over until it creeps you out. Taurus Most accidents occ...

    • December 6, 2011

      Aries Sleep will continue to elude you this week, so keep binging on coffee and amphetamines until you have enough energy to catch it. Taurus You're not the sort of person who panics easily, which will keep you from gett...

    • November 15, 2011

      Aries They say your problem is inoperable, but they're wrong: It's just incurable. Go ahead and do all the operating you want. Taurus You've never believed you were the poisoning type, but judging from all the news cover...

    • November 8, 2011

      Aries A shocking revelation will shake you to the core of your being this week, which is odd, because it's merely the fact that the Doobie Brothers aren't actual brothers. Taurus Betrayal, treason, and vile cal-umny will...

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