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Aries Nothing noteworthy will occur in your life this week, as you have not paid your cable bill in months.

Taurus The loneliness you feel cannot last forever. It can, however, last 40 years until the moment of your death.

Gemini Your religious faith will be shattered when, after years of piety, you discover a little-known Bible passage condemning murder.

Cancer The disappearance of Mars from the sky may indicate that it is time to let go of your warlike nature. Also, it could indicate that Mars has taken orbit behind the sun.

Leo Your beloved cats Oscar, Sofie, Tim, Gibson and Malcolm are asked to appear on national television after smothering you in your sleep.

Virgo Due to circumstances beyond your control, you will make absolutely no effort to take charge of your miserable life this week.

Libra Your birthday party will once again be ruined by highly trained, combat-tested military demolitions experts.

Scorpio Reaffirm your commitment to weight loss this week. Eat five pounds of cottage cheese, six cans of peach halves in heavy syrup, and a liter of Diet Coke for each meal.

Sagittarius A crazy person will try to convince you that the stars are vast, distant balls of gaseous matter. Ignore him.

Capricorn You will discover the power of chain letters this week when you accidentally break one and suffer no terrible consequences whatsoever.

Aquarius Nothing can stop Destiny from exerting its powerful influence over you if it so desires. However, it does not.

Pisces You may be entitled to a large refund this week when the gynecologist you've been seeing announces that you are not pregnant but male.

More Horoscope

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Your Horoscopes » (September 8, 2009)

Past Horoscopes

February 7, 2012

Aries The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you're supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car. Taurus That person you've been see...
January 31, 2012

Aries You've got tough row to hoe in front of you this week, which seems like merely a folksy euphemism until you find you've inherited a run-down potato farm. Taurus Conflicts at work and at home are cleared up instantl...
January 24, 2012

Aries Your death next week will seem inexplicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 "cross your heart and hope to die" pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben. Taurus Your fear of pub...
January 17, 2012

Aries Jupiter rising in your sign is usually an indicator of prosperous ambitions, but when it just keeps coming right at you, it becomes downright terrifying. Taurus You have yet to find a love worthy of your unique aff...
January 10, 2012

Aries You're not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity. Taurus You'll need to find new solutions t...
January 3, 2012

Aries To improve your spiritual health, avoid the myriad temptations of the flesh. This is most easily accomplished by repeating the word "flesh" over and over until it creeps you out. Taurus Most accidents occ...
December 6, 2011

Aries Sleep will continue to elude you this week, so keep binging on coffee and amphetamines until you have enough energy to catch it. Taurus You're not the sort of person who panics easily, which will keep you from gett...
November 15, 2011

Aries They say your problem is inoperable, but they're wrong: It's just incurable. Go ahead and do all the operating you want. Taurus You've never believed you were the poisoning type, but judging from all the news cover...
November 8, 2011

Aries A shocking revelation will shake you to the core of your being this week, which is odd, because it's merely the fact that the Doobie Brothers aren't actual brothers. Taurus Betrayal, treason, and vile cal-umny will...