• Aries You may not have a lot of money, but you still believe yourself to be rich in many ways. This isn't surprising considering the cost of a proper education these days.
  • Taurus The lion shall lay down with the lamb this week, before looking around, realizing no savior has in fact returned, and ripping out the poor, unsuspecting animal's throat.
  • Gemini The difference between life and death can come down to a few precious minutes, or in your case, the time it takes for the EMTs to finally stop laughing.
  • Cancer You'll have a terrifying out-of-body experience this week, followed by an even more horrifying back-inside-your-body experience this week.
  • Leo It takes a lot of courage to stand up and speak candidly in front of a large group of people. Especially when those people are just there to watch KISS.
  • Virgo Virgos are known for their submissive nature, weak and cowardly attitude, and tendency to just sit there and nod along while the stars openly shit all over them.
  • Libra While it's true that drugs aren't the answer to your problem, they will, if taken in large enough doses, make you forget exactly what your problems are.
  • Scorpio You've managed to overcome a lot in order to become senior marketing manager, primarily your hopes, aspirations and dreams.
  • Sagittarius Pretty soon you're going to have to sit down and ask yourself some very important questions. Particularly, "why?"
  • Capricorn There are certain species of bear which mind their own business and don't attack or eat humans. You will not meet any such bears this week.
  • Aquarius Don't let pessimism or negativity get in your way this week, as you already have a hard enough time not always fucking everything up on your own.
  • Pisces You establish a destructive pattern of behavior this week when you discover how much fun it is to destroy things.