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Aries The whole world will hold its breath this week while you engage in a life-and-death struggle with heartburn.

Taurus After your fourth hospital stay in as many months, you begin to mistrust the other members of your aerobatic biplane squad.

Gemini You will soon become the first person in history to be offered sex because of your political-cartooning skills.

Cancer An embarrassing nickname comes back to haunt you this week, convincing you once and for all that you should never have strangled all those nurses.

Leo The times call for rational, well-reasoned thinking. Under no circumstances allow your thinking to be clouded by superstition.

Virgo You enjoy true back-to-school learning fun this week at the hands of a well-trained, double-jointed Korean sex instructor.

Libra The stars hereby grant you the secret of lighter, fluffier pancakes: Use sour cream instead of milk.

Scorpio Your mother thinks you are wonderful, unique and lovable. Push her down a flight of stairs.

Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."

Capricorn You will soon be chopped to bits, roasted, covered with caramel, stuffed in a box with a cheap toy, and sold to children nationwide.

Aquarius A tall, dark stranger will appear to you in a dream, look tenderly into your eyes and extol the virtues of Pall Mall cigarettes.

Pisces Everything you desire shall be yours this week, providing you do not under any circumstances read your horoscope.

More Horoscope

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Your Horoscopes » (September 22, 2009)

Past Horoscopes

February 7, 2012

Aries The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you're supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car. Taurus That person you've been see...
January 31, 2012

Aries You've got tough row to hoe in front of you this week, which seems like merely a folksy euphemism until you find you've inherited a run-down potato farm. Taurus Conflicts at work and at home are cleared up instantl...
January 24, 2012

Aries Your death next week will seem inexplicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 "cross your heart and hope to die" pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben. Taurus Your fear of pub...
January 17, 2012

Aries Jupiter rising in your sign is usually an indicator of prosperous ambitions, but when it just keeps coming right at you, it becomes downright terrifying. Taurus You have yet to find a love worthy of your unique aff...
January 10, 2012

Aries You're not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity. Taurus You'll need to find new solutions t...
January 3, 2012

Aries To improve your spiritual health, avoid the myriad temptations of the flesh. This is most easily accomplished by repeating the word "flesh" over and over until it creeps you out. Taurus Most accidents occ...
December 6, 2011

Aries Sleep will continue to elude you this week, so keep binging on coffee and amphetamines until you have enough energy to catch it. Taurus You're not the sort of person who panics easily, which will keep you from gett...
November 15, 2011

Aries They say your problem is inoperable, but they're wrong: It's just incurable. Go ahead and do all the operating you want. Taurus You've never believed you were the poisoning type, but judging from all the news cover...
November 8, 2011

Aries A shocking revelation will shake you to the core of your being this week, which is odd, because it's merely the fact that the Doobie Brothers aren't actual brothers. Taurus Betrayal, treason, and vile cal-umny will...