Your Horoscopes

HoroscopeEntertainment ISSUE 45•39 Sep 22, 2009
  • Aries This week, try not to worry about things over which you have no control. For an ineffectual slob such as yourself, this means just about everything.
  • Taurus You might think you're the coolest person around, but don't forget about Beth Mills of Austin, TX. She has a hedgehog.
  • Gemini Remember: Three can keep a secret if two are dead. That said, you know what you have to do.
  • Cancer You will achieve a certain kind of fame when you discover several more steps to add to your 12-step program.
  • Leo Because of its dualistic nature, Gemini believes there are two kinds of people in this world: you and those who won't die in a coke-fueled gunfight this Sunday.
  • Virgo You'll fail to pull yourself up by your bootstraps this week when your boots become tangled in the traffic helicopter's landing skids.
  • Libra The combination of Mars and Venus in your sun sign indicates that love is in your future whether you can afford it or not.
  • Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
  • Sagittarius You've always been a lightning rod for controversy, but it gets worse when you become an actual lightning rod.
  • Capricorn Remember: Sometimes you just have to step back, take a deep breath, give yourself a shake, and blow off the top of your head with Dad's old shotgun.
  • Aquarius You'll find yourself up the creek without a paddle this week, but take heart: Paddles are available for purchase at any decent sporting-goods store.
  • Pisces Smile! Somebody out there loves you. On second thought, don't smile.