Your HoroscopesAries You'll find Jesus this week, more or less in the exact same place you lost him: underneath the football bleachers behind school.Taurus Look, the stars foresee whatever the hell you want them to foresee, okay? Good. Now, let's all just move on with our respective days.Gemini Yelling "fire!" at the top of your lungs will not only not help people evacuate faster, but it'll also convince most of them that there's some sort of fire they need to outrun.Cancer They say you're just a big kid trapped in a grown man's body, but then, they've never really seen you what you look like naked in front of the mirror before.Leo When threatened, armadillos are known to curl up into a protective ball for hours on end—a practice that will make this week's encounter with one a rather embarrassing stalemate.Virgo Though your new prosthetic is incredibly lifelike, many can tell it's not real, mostly because people don't have three ears.Libra A series of runaway gasoline trucks will soon prove that dying young and leaving a pretty corpse behind don't necessarily go hand in hand.Scorpio We all stand on the shoulders of giants. Some of us, however, do it in order to flash the band.Sagittarius You truly believe that what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger, making you the most powerful 400-pound chain-smoking chronic masturbator in the world.Capricorn While it's true that history is written by the winners, it, like most everything else in life, is copyedited by the losers.Aquarius You'll finally see your friends for who they really are this week: good and decent people desperately trying to inch themselves away from you.Pisces While having high expectations for oneself can be productive, it can also be lead to heartache and disappointment, especially for a giant loser such as yourself.