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Aries You'll find Jesus this week, more or less in the exact same place you lost him: underneath the football bleachers behind school.

Taurus Look, the stars foresee whatever the hell you want them to foresee, okay? Good. Now, let's all just move on with our respective days.

Gemini Yelling "fire!" at the top of your lungs will not only not help people evacuate faster, but it'll also convince most of them that there's some sort of fire they need to outrun.

Cancer They say you're just a big kid trapped in a grown man's body, but then, they've never really seen you what you look like naked in front of the mirror before.

Leo When threatened, armadillos are known to curl up into a protective ball for hours on end—a practice that will make this week's encounter with one a rather embarrassing stalemate.

Virgo Though your new prosthetic is incredibly lifelike, many can tell it's not real, mostly because people don't have three ears.

Libra A series of runaway gasoline trucks will soon prove that dying young and leaving a pretty corpse behind don't necessarily go hand in hand.

Scorpio We all stand on the shoulders of giants. Some of us, however, do it in order to flash the band.

Sagittarius You truly believe that what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger, making you the most powerful 400-pound chain-smoking chronic masturbator in the world.

Capricorn While it's true that history is written by the winners, it, like most everything else in life, is copyedited by the losers.

Aquarius You'll finally see your friends for who they really are this week: good and decent people desperately trying to inch themselves away from you.

Pisces While having high expectations for oneself can be productive, it can also be lead to heartache and disappointment, especially for a giant loser such as yourself.

More Horoscope

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Your Horoscopes » (October 6, 2009)

Past Horoscopes

February 7, 2012

Aries The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you're supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car. Taurus That person you've been see...
January 31, 2012

Aries You've got tough row to hoe in front of you this week, which seems like merely a folksy euphemism until you find you've inherited a run-down potato farm. Taurus Conflicts at work and at home are cleared up instantl...
January 24, 2012

Aries Your death next week will seem inexplicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 "cross your heart and hope to die" pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben. Taurus Your fear of pub...
January 17, 2012

Aries Jupiter rising in your sign is usually an indicator of prosperous ambitions, but when it just keeps coming right at you, it becomes downright terrifying. Taurus You have yet to find a love worthy of your unique aff...
January 10, 2012

Aries You're not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity. Taurus You'll need to find new solutions t...
January 3, 2012

Aries To improve your spiritual health, avoid the myriad temptations of the flesh. This is most easily accomplished by repeating the word "flesh" over and over until it creeps you out. Taurus Most accidents occ...
December 6, 2011

Aries Sleep will continue to elude you this week, so keep binging on coffee and amphetamines until you have enough energy to catch it. Taurus You're not the sort of person who panics easily, which will keep you from gett...
November 15, 2011

Aries They say your problem is inoperable, but they're wrong: It's just incurable. Go ahead and do all the operating you want. Taurus You've never believed you were the poisoning type, but judging from all the news cover...
November 8, 2011

Aries A shocking revelation will shake you to the core of your being this week, which is odd, because it's merely the fact that the Doobie Brothers aren't actual brothers. Taurus Betrayal, treason, and vile cal-umny will...