• Aries You will put your best foot forward this morning, though you'll stil have to drag the other frightening mass of flesh and bone behind it.
  • Taurus After years of hesitation, you'll finally come out of your shell this week, falling prey almost immediately to a swooping falcon attack.
  • Gemini You shall drink from the fountain of wisdom this week, repeatedly missing your big dumb mouth, and completely soaking your ridiculous shirt.
  • Cancer There's nothing more American than a warm slice of apple pie, which makes the three tons of explosives found in its possession that much more shocking.
  • Leo You may think your peers have lost all respect for you, but fear not: It's impossible to lose something you never really had.
  • Virgo Remember: Being a doctor is more than just putting on a white lab coat and going door-to-door checking in on patients. You'll need a stethoscope, too.
  • Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
  • Scorpio Since the dawn of time, man has dreamed of flying. Sadly, after this week's events, it'll mostly just be nightmares.
  • Sagittarius Self-improvement may be a noble goal, but the stars aren't so sure the leg rests, dual cup-holders, and wood paneling are what people had in mind.
  • Capricorn While you're relieved to hear that the test results were negative, the mile-wide skywriting does seem a little excessive.
  • Aquarius People claim that age is nothing more than a state of mind, making this week's stroke revealing on a few different levels.
  • Pisces You will scream the name of a loved one from the rooftops this week. Unfortunately for you, she'll still refuse to let you back into the apartment.