• Aries You will soon be forced to admit that your entire emotional range can be conveyed with a set of cleverly arranged punctuation marks.
  • Taurus Usually, this stuff happens in movie theaters, so you're pretty surprised when two hours of sexy, suspense-filled action come to a bakery near you.
  • Gemini You haven't worn it since college, but don't be surprised when your old suit still fits. It is made of rubber, after all.
  • Cancer Newton's laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.
  • Leo You don't want anything to come between you and your cats. Luckily, given your obesity and the tininess of your trailer, it's not physically possible.
  • Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
  • Libra Americans from coast to coast will be transfixed by your new signature dance, the Oh My God, Get It Off Me, Sweet Jesus, It Burns.
  • Scorpio Every day, in every way, you're getting better and better. But at this rate, you won't be good enough for 64 more years.
  • Sagittarius Your plan to strike from the shadows and slip away unseen will be seen as inappropriate by the other teachers.
  • Capricorn It'll be a nuisance wearing the Nielsen box on your head all week, but at least you'll find out that your viewership goes up when you're fighting or having sex.
  • Aquarius Your defense lawyer is one of the best, but he will have a hard time blaming those 11 murders on the bossa nova, the dance of love.
  • Pisces It's all over but the shouting, but don't worry: It's going to be great shouting.