• Aries Your tendency to see the worst in every situation will rob you of any pleasure you might have otherwise derived from next Thursday's biological-disease outbreak.
  • Taurus They've taken to calling you a broken man, defeated, beaten, dispirited, hopeless—but then they have access to a thesaurus.
  • Gemini You're prepared to go to any length to get your wife back, which is funny, as finding what remains of her will actually require you to go to any depth.
  • Cancer Continuing a proud, age-old tradition, you will hand down your family's priceless heirlooms to the next generation of Chinatown pawnbrokers this week.
  • Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
  • Virgo Endless complaints that your talents are being wasted at work will finally pay off when management decides to promote you to the new position of "Head Whiner."
  • Libra You've always prided yourself on being able to both "talk the talk" and "walk the walk," but a debilitating stroke will soon leave you unable to do either.
  • Scorpio There's nothing wrong with being attracted to a man in uniform, but the stars still think you can do better than building custodian.
  • Sagittarius To no avail, you will once again pray exactly 223 times for God to heal you of your lifelong obsessive-compulsive disorder.
  • Capricorn A scantily clad stripper will soon jump out of the cake, confirming a rather embarrassing mix-up at the bakery, and completely ruining your daughter's fourth birthday.
  • Aquarius You've heard the saying "you are what you eat" many times before, but prosecutors will surely describe you as anything but an innocent newborn.
  • Pisces The stars foresee travel in your future, so get ready to finally put on a pair of decent pants.