• Aries Your body will soon go through a series of new and exciting changes, thanks in large part to the amazing reconstructive work of Dr. Howard Rosenthall.
  • Taurus Remember: It's always a good idea to wait at least 30 minutes before going ahead and defecating in the pool.
  • Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
  • Cancer Turns out it's actually a grease fire, that pitcher is filled with gasoline, and all those firefighters are merely strippers.
  • Leo While teaching the lowland gorilla how to communicate is entirely possible, getting the self-obsessed primate to shut the hell up is a whole other story.
  • Virgo Your insistence on having your father walk you down the aisle may seem odd to some, especially considering the two of you are only going grocery shopping.
  • Libra The otherworldly spirit of William Safire will visit you this evening and spend the next three hours correcting every grammatical mistake you've ever made.
  • Scorpio You'll have a hard time controlling yourself this week, but then that's what the serene-looking men in lab coats are here for.
  • Sagittarius Due to adverse weather conditions and severe delays, your next stop this evening will no longer be "Party Town!"
  • Capricorn Your big mouth will get you in a lot of trouble this week, though it's actually your small jaw that'll be to blame.
  • Aquarius Life may seem like one big game to you, which explains the little plastic tokens, the† six-sided dice, and your repeated utterances of "sorry!"
  • Pisces Take the stars' word for it: That guy Dave from work really has it coming.