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Aries Your radical new look will cause heads to turn, as complete strangers hurry to avoid eye contact with you.

Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.

Gemini Years of backbreaking work will finally pay off when your sales manager, walking hurriedly down the hallway, nods faintly in your general direction this week.

Cancer A tragic boating accident will soon claim the lives of the lead singer, guitarist, and drummer of your one-man band.

Leo Life will imitate art this Tuesday when a multi-planar figure of a woman stands languidly beside an abstracted carafe of wine.

Virgo Remember a couple of months back when the stars accurately predicted the birth of your second child? Man, that was great.

Libra Keep in mind this week that anger is fear in disguise, although why you'd be afraid of the soda machine eating your dollar is for you alone to answer.

Scorpio Like a moth to a flame, you too will be strongly attracted to a giant flame today.

Sagittarius The fifth coming of Jesus Christ this week will reveal that you haven't been paying as much attention as you'd thought.

Capricorn You'll be brought face-to-face with your own mortality during a series of harrowing stabs to the jaw and forehead.

Aquarius This week a shattered tea set will serve as a fitting metaphor for your clumsy coming-of-age as a woman.

Pisces For the third straight night, your wife will pass away loudly, painfully, and repeatedly in your sleep.

More Horoscope

« Your Horoscopes (November 3, 2009)
Your Horoscopes » (November 17, 2009)

Past Horoscopes

February 7, 2012

Aries The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you're supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car. Taurus That person you've been see...
January 31, 2012

Aries You've got tough row to hoe in front of you this week, which seems like merely a folksy euphemism until you find you've inherited a run-down potato farm. Taurus Conflicts at work and at home are cleared up instantl...
January 24, 2012

Aries Your death next week will seem inexplicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 "cross your heart and hope to die" pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben. Taurus Your fear of pub...
January 17, 2012

Aries Jupiter rising in your sign is usually an indicator of prosperous ambitions, but when it just keeps coming right at you, it becomes downright terrifying. Taurus You have yet to find a love worthy of your unique aff...
January 10, 2012

Aries You're not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity. Taurus You'll need to find new solutions t...
January 3, 2012

Aries To improve your spiritual health, avoid the myriad temptations of the flesh. This is most easily accomplished by repeating the word "flesh" over and over until it creeps you out. Taurus Most accidents occ...
December 6, 2011

Aries Sleep will continue to elude you this week, so keep binging on coffee and amphetamines until you have enough energy to catch it. Taurus You're not the sort of person who panics easily, which will keep you from gett...
November 15, 2011

Aries They say your problem is inoperable, but they're wrong: It's just incurable. Go ahead and do all the operating you want. Taurus You've never believed you were the poisoning type, but judging from all the news cover...
November 8, 2011

Aries A shocking revelation will shake you to the core of your being this week, which is odd, because it's merely the fact that the Doobie Brothers aren't actual brothers. Taurus Betrayal, treason, and vile cal-umny will...