Your Horoscopes

HoroscopeEntertainment ISSUE 45•46 Nov 10, 2009
  • Aries Your radical new look will cause heads to turn, as complete strangers hurry to avoid eye contact with you.
  • Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
  • Gemini Years of backbreaking work will finally pay off when your sales manager, walking hurriedly down the hallway, nods faintly in your general direction this week.
  • Cancer A tragic boating accident will soon claim the lives of the lead singer, guitarist, and drummer of your one-man band.
  • Leo Life will imitate art this Tuesday when a multi-planar figure of a woman stands languidly beside an abstracted carafe of wine.
  • Virgo Remember a couple of months back when the stars accurately predicted the birth of your second child? Man, that was great.
  • Libra Keep in mind this week that anger is fear in disguise, although why you'd be afraid of the soda machine eating your dollar is for you alone to answer.
  • Scorpio Like a moth to a flame, you too will be strongly attracted to a giant flame today.
  • Sagittarius The fifth coming of Jesus Christ this week will reveal that you haven't been paying as much attention as you'd thought.
  • Capricorn You'll be brought face-to-face with your own mortality during a series of harrowing stabs to the jaw and forehead.
  • Aquarius This week a shattered tea set will serve as a fitting metaphor for your clumsy coming-of-age as a woman.
  • Pisces For the third straight night, your wife will pass away loudly, painfully, and repeatedly in your sleep.