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Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.

Taurus Sure, they're quite festive-looking, and they certainly help to spread holiday cheer, but maybe it's time you got those antlers checked.

Gemini Remember: Don't let any man tell you what to do. Or who to do it to. Or what the hell they're even talking about in the first place.

Cancer When played with skill and grace, the game of soccer is like poetry in motion. Which explains all the bored-stiff people just pretending to follow along.

Leo You'll popularize a new dance craze this week, thanks in large part to the large, feral raccoon clawing at your back.

Virgo Virgo is often known for its stubborn and headstrong nature. Yes, it is. Yes, it fucking is.

Libra You're about to enter a strange upside-down universe, one where white is black, black is white, and people don't need to remind you when to chew.

Scorpio Doctors will refuse to operate on you this week, not due to any moral dilemmas, fiscal concerns, or even health-related fears. They're just vindictive bastards.

Sagittarius You've never worked a day in your life, though that's mainly because you keep getting the damn graveyard shift.

Capricorn Remember: There's no use in screaming and crying all day long. They're going to change your diaper when they get to it.

Aquarius Everyone would stop telling you to keep your hands to yourself, if they only knew what you did with them.

Pisces They say the children are our future. However, what they fail to mention is that it's a post-apocalyptic future, where the blood of small infants will be used to feed our giant man-machine overlords.

More Horoscope

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Your Horoscopes » (November 24, 2009)

Past Horoscopes

February 7, 2012

Aries The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you're supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car. Taurus That person you've been see...
January 31, 2012

Aries You've got tough row to hoe in front of you this week, which seems like merely a folksy euphemism until you find you've inherited a run-down potato farm. Taurus Conflicts at work and at home are cleared up instantl...
January 24, 2012

Aries Your death next week will seem inexplicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 "cross your heart and hope to die" pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben. Taurus Your fear of pub...
January 17, 2012

Aries Jupiter rising in your sign is usually an indicator of prosperous ambitions, but when it just keeps coming right at you, it becomes downright terrifying. Taurus You have yet to find a love worthy of your unique aff...
January 10, 2012

Aries You're not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity. Taurus You'll need to find new solutions t...
January 3, 2012

Aries To improve your spiritual health, avoid the myriad temptations of the flesh. This is most easily accomplished by repeating the word "flesh" over and over until it creeps you out. Taurus Most accidents occ...
December 6, 2011

Aries Sleep will continue to elude you this week, so keep binging on coffee and amphetamines until you have enough energy to catch it. Taurus You're not the sort of person who panics easily, which will keep you from gett...
November 15, 2011

Aries They say your problem is inoperable, but they're wrong: It's just incurable. Go ahead and do all the operating you want. Taurus You've never believed you were the poisoning type, but judging from all the news cover...
November 8, 2011

Aries A shocking revelation will shake you to the core of your being this week, which is odd, because it's merely the fact that the Doobie Brothers aren't actual brothers. Taurus Betrayal, treason, and vile cal-umny will...