• Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
  • Taurus Sure, they're quite festive-looking, and they certainly help to spread holiday cheer, but maybe it's time you got those antlers checked.
  • Gemini Remember: Don't let any man tell you what to do. Or who to do it to. Or what the hell they're even talking about in the first place.
  • Cancer When played with skill and grace, the game of soccer is like poetry in motion. Which explains all the bored-stiff people just pretending to follow along.
  • Leo You'll popularize a new dance craze this week, thanks in large part to the large, feral raccoon clawing at your back.
  • Virgo Virgo is often known for its stubborn and headstrong nature. Yes, it is. Yes, it fucking is.
  • Libra You're about to enter a strange upside-down universe, one where white is black, black is white, and people don't need to remind you when to chew.
  • Scorpio Doctors will refuse to operate on you this week, not due to any moral dilemmas, fiscal concerns, or even health-related fears. They're just vindictive bastards.
  • Sagittarius You've never worked a day in your life, though that's mainly because you keep getting the damn graveyard shift.
  • Capricorn Remember: There's no use in screaming and crying all day long. They're going to change your diaper when they get to it.
  • Aquarius Everyone would stop telling you to keep your hands to yourself, if they only knew what you did with them.
  • Pisces They say the children are our future. However, what they fail to mention is that it's a post-apocalyptic future, where the blood of small infants will be used to feed our giant man-machine overlords.