• Aries You're not the type of guy who gets all mushy, but that will change this week, when they leave you out in the sun.
  • Taurus You bring out the very best in those around you. This week, those around you will include four firefighters, a team of baffled paramedics, and several circus chimps.
  • Gemini Remember: Some problems can't be solved by retreating into drugs and alcohol. Some problems require you to forge ahead into drugs and alcohol.
  • Cancer You still have no idea what makes most women tick, despite having asked literally hundreds of certified watchmakers.
  • Leo Don't neglect the spiritual side of your life. Find the best person you know, nail him to a cross, and worship him.
  • Virgo The stars foresee a time of great pain and suffering and loss in the days to come. Or, as they're referring to it as, appointment viewing.
  • Libra Death will soon take a holiday, leaving you in charge of watering its plants, feeding its two tabby cats, and knocking this Friday on your elderly father's door.
  • Scorpio You always thought the woman of your dreams was a knockout blonde, but tonight there's three prescription Ambiens that say otherwise.
  • Sagittarius A deadly game of cat and mouse will play out this week when you spend several hours pawing curiously at your corporate rival.
  • Capricorn The rise of Jupiter in your sign indicates that there's more with actor James Spader right after this commercial break.
  • Aquarius They say that chivalry is dead, though it's kind of hard to hear it when dragging them by the hair like that.
  • Pisces For the millionth time, telling the truth doesn't technically qualify as a speech impediment.