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Aries You're not the type of guy who gets all mushy, but that will change this week, when they leave you out in the sun.

Taurus You bring out the very best in those around you. This week, those around you will include four firefighters, a team of baffled paramedics, and several circus chimps.

Gemini Remember: Some problems can't be solved by retreating into drugs and alcohol. Some problems require you to forge ahead into drugs and alcohol.

Cancer You still have no idea what makes most women tick, despite having asked literally hundreds of certified watchmakers.

Leo Don't neglect the spiritual side of your life. Find the best person you know, nail him to a cross, and worship him.

Virgo The stars foresee a time of great pain and suffering and loss in the days to come. Or, as they're referring to it as, appointment viewing.

Libra Death will soon take a holiday, leaving you in charge of watering its plants, feeding its two tabby cats, and knocking this Friday on your elderly father's door.

Scorpio You always thought the woman of your dreams was a knockout blonde, but tonight there's three prescription Ambiens that say otherwise.

Sagittarius A deadly game of cat and mouse will play out this week when you spend several hours pawing curiously at your corporate rival.

Capricorn The rise of Jupiter in your sign indicates that there's more with actor James Spader right after this commercial break.

Aquarius They say that chivalry is dead, though it's kind of hard to hear it when dragging them by the hair like that.

Pisces For the millionth time, telling the truth doesn't technically qualify as a speech impediment.

More Horoscope

« Your Horoscopes (November 17, 2009)
Your Horoscopes » (December 1, 2009)

Past Horoscopes

February 7, 2012

Aries The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you're supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car. Taurus That person you've been see...
January 31, 2012

Aries You've got tough row to hoe in front of you this week, which seems like merely a folksy euphemism until you find you've inherited a run-down potato farm. Taurus Conflicts at work and at home are cleared up instantl...
January 24, 2012

Aries Your death next week will seem inexplicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 "cross your heart and hope to die" pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben. Taurus Your fear of pub...
January 17, 2012

Aries Jupiter rising in your sign is usually an indicator of prosperous ambitions, but when it just keeps coming right at you, it becomes downright terrifying. Taurus You have yet to find a love worthy of your unique aff...
January 10, 2012

Aries You're not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity. Taurus You'll need to find new solutions t...
January 3, 2012

Aries To improve your spiritual health, avoid the myriad temptations of the flesh. This is most easily accomplished by repeating the word "flesh" over and over until it creeps you out. Taurus Most accidents occ...
December 6, 2011

Aries Sleep will continue to elude you this week, so keep binging on coffee and amphetamines until you have enough energy to catch it. Taurus You're not the sort of person who panics easily, which will keep you from gett...
November 15, 2011

Aries They say your problem is inoperable, but they're wrong: It's just incurable. Go ahead and do all the operating you want. Taurus You've never believed you were the poisoning type, but judging from all the news cover...
November 8, 2011

Aries A shocking revelation will shake you to the core of your being this week, which is odd, because it's merely the fact that the Doobie Brothers aren't actual brothers. Taurus Betrayal, treason, and vile cal-umny will...