Your HoroscopesAries You're not the type of guy who gets all mushy, but that will change this week, when they leave you out in the sun.Taurus You bring out the very best in those around you. This week, those around you will include four firefighters, a team of baffled paramedics, and several circus chimps.Gemini Remember: Some problems can't be solved by retreating into drugs and alcohol. Some problems require you to forge ahead into drugs and alcohol.Cancer You still have no idea what makes most women tick, despite having asked literally hundreds of certified watchmakers.Leo Don't neglect the spiritual side of your life. Find the best person you know, nail him to a cross, and worship him.Virgo The stars foresee a time of great pain and suffering and loss in the days to come. Or, as they're referring to it as, appointment viewing.Libra Death will soon take a holiday, leaving you in charge of watering its plants, feeding its two tabby cats, and knocking this Friday on your elderly father's door.Scorpio You always thought the woman of your dreams was a knockout blonde, but tonight there's three prescription Ambiens that say otherwise.Sagittarius A deadly game of cat and mouse will play out this week when you spend several hours pawing curiously at your corporate rival.Capricorn The rise of Jupiter in your sign indicates that there's more with actor James Spader right after this commercial break.Aquarius They say that chivalry is dead, though it's kind of hard to hear it when dragging them by the hair like that.Pisces For the millionth time, telling the truth doesn't technically qualify as a speech impediment.