Aries Your expanding consciousness will bring you a deeper and deeper understanding of the universe until your head bursts like an overripe melon.
Taurus Everyone doubted you when you said you were going to bike across the country last summer. Make them feel bad by telling them it's their fault you didn't.
Gemini You will bring shame to your town coroner by causing him to laugh uncontrollably throughout your autopsy.
Cancer Though you insist you can stop drinking whenever you want, the truth is, you can't seem to function without five or six pints of water a day.
Leo You tend to fly into a rage over the smallest problems. Fortunately, you'll encounter only huge disasters this week.
Virgo Admit it: Things just haven't been the same for you since you gave in and started wearing pants again.
Libra The stars indicate that this is not a good week to start a new love affair. It's a fine week, however, to continue enjoying the old one.
Scorpio You've listened to it over and over, but you still fail to see how Frampton is supposed to "come alive."
Sagittarius This week, try not to worry about things over which you have no control. For an ineffectual slob such as yourself, this means just about everything.
Capricorn You will see your fate unfold as through a glass, darkly. This is largely due to your sunglasses.
Aquarius The Zodiac is still around during the daytime, even if you can't see it. So don't try anything funny, okay?
Pisces You've learned a few things in your life, but as you'll soon see, looking both ways before crossing the street isn't one of them.
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