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Aries Your expanding consciousness will bring you a deeper and deeper understanding of the universe until your head bursts like an overripe melon.

Taurus Everyone doubted you when you said you were going to bike across the country last summer. Make them feel bad by telling them it's their fault you didn't.

Gemini You will bring shame to your town coroner by causing him to laugh uncontrollably throughout your autopsy.

Cancer Though you insist you can stop drinking whenever you want, the truth is, you can't seem to function without five or six pints of water a day.

Leo You tend to fly into a rage over the smallest problems. Fortunately, you'll encounter only huge disasters this week.

Virgo Admit it: Things just haven't been the same for you since you gave in and started wearing pants again.

Libra The stars indicate that this is not a good week to start a new love affair. It's a fine week, however, to continue enjoying the old one.

Scorpio You've listened to it over and over, but you still fail to see how Frampton is supposed to "come alive."

Sagittarius This week, try not to worry about things over which you have no control. For an ineffectual slob such as yourself, this means just about everything.

Capricorn You will see your fate unfold as through a glass, darkly. This is largely due to your sunglasses.

Aquarius The Zodiac is still around during the daytime, even if you can't see it. So don't try anything funny, okay?

Pisces You've learned a few things in your life, but as you'll soon see, looking both ways before crossing the street isn't one of them.

More Horoscope

« Your Horoscopes (November 24, 2009)
Your Horoscopes » (December 8, 2009)

Past Horoscopes

February 7, 2012

Aries The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you're supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car. Taurus That person you've been see...
January 31, 2012

Aries You've got tough row to hoe in front of you this week, which seems like merely a folksy euphemism until you find you've inherited a run-down potato farm. Taurus Conflicts at work and at home are cleared up instantl...
January 24, 2012

Aries Your death next week will seem inexplicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 "cross your heart and hope to die" pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben. Taurus Your fear of pub...
January 17, 2012

Aries Jupiter rising in your sign is usually an indicator of prosperous ambitions, but when it just keeps coming right at you, it becomes downright terrifying. Taurus You have yet to find a love worthy of your unique aff...
January 10, 2012

Aries You're not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity. Taurus You'll need to find new solutions t...
January 3, 2012

Aries To improve your spiritual health, avoid the myriad temptations of the flesh. This is most easily accomplished by repeating the word "flesh" over and over until it creeps you out. Taurus Most accidents occ...
December 6, 2011

Aries Sleep will continue to elude you this week, so keep binging on coffee and amphetamines until you have enough energy to catch it. Taurus You're not the sort of person who panics easily, which will keep you from gett...
November 15, 2011

Aries They say your problem is inoperable, but they're wrong: It's just incurable. Go ahead and do all the operating you want. Taurus You've never believed you were the poisoning type, but judging from all the news cover...
November 8, 2011

Aries A shocking revelation will shake you to the core of your being this week, which is odd, because it's merely the fact that the Doobie Brothers aren't actual brothers. Taurus Betrayal, treason, and vile cal-umny will...