Your Horoscopes

HoroscopeEntertainment ISSUE 45•49 Dec 1, 2009
  • Aries Your expanding consciousness will bring you a deeper and deeper understanding of the universe until your head bursts like an overripe melon.
  • Taurus Everyone doubted you when you said you were going to bike across the country last summer. Make them feel bad by telling them it's their fault you didn't.
  • Gemini You will bring shame to your town coroner by causing him to laugh uncontrollably throughout your autopsy.
  • Cancer Though you insist you can stop drinking whenever you want, the truth is, you can't seem to function without five or six pints of water a day.
  • Leo You tend to fly into a rage over the smallest problems. Fortunately, you'll encounter only huge disasters this week.
  • Virgo Admit it: Things just haven't been the same for you since you gave in and started wearing pants again.
  • Libra The stars indicate that this is not a good week to start a new love affair. It's a fine week, however, to continue enjoying the old one.
  • Scorpio You've listened to it over and over, but you still fail to see how Frampton is supposed to "come alive."
  • Sagittarius This week, try not to worry about things over which you have no control. For an ineffectual slob such as yourself, this means just about everything.
  • Capricorn You will see your fate unfold as through a glass, darkly. This is largely due to your sunglasses.
  • Aquarius The Zodiac is still around during the daytime, even if you can't see it. So don't try anything funny, okay?
  • Pisces You've learned a few things in your life, but as you'll soon see, looking both ways before crossing the street isn't one of them.