• Aries Tuberculosis is certainly not the death sentence it used to be, though that'll be hard to tell just by looking at you.
  • Taurus Your support system is loving, reassuring, and always there for you, but sooner or later it's bound to run out of donuts.
  • Gemini Perhaps your pets could be cuter, but that's no excuse for sewing them inside your favorite stuffed animals.
  • Cancer Judging by that lightheaded, dreamy feeling, this would be a good time to stop giving blood.
  • Leo It's not everyday that money just falls out of the sky, but thanks to the Sears Tower, existential hopelessness, and pockets filled with change, it will today.
  • Virgo You'll be shunned when the man you famously taught to fish dies of mercury poisoning.
  • Libra They say that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Thankfully for you, his are completely bloodshot.
  • Scorpio You'd really like to know where the people who say, "another day, another dollar" are getting their money from.
  • Sagittarius The debate over stun guns will take a strange turn when you drunkenly decide that they probably wouldn't work on you.
  • Capricorn You'll take it like a man this week, which pretty much just means you'll be too embarrassed to ask what "it" is.
  • Aquarius The stars can't decide what's more embarrassing, the fact that you still live out of a suitcase, or that you're a professional ventriloquist dummy.
  • Pisces You've always thought you'd make a great father, but private investigators hired by seven of your former girlfriends have different views on the subject.