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Aries Tuberculosis is certainly not the death sentence it used to be, though that'll be hard to tell just by looking at you.

Taurus Your support system is loving, reassuring, and always there for you, but sooner or later it's bound to run out of donuts.

Gemini Perhaps your pets could be cuter, but that's no excuse for sewing them inside your favorite stuffed animals.

Cancer Judging by that lightheaded, dreamy feeling, this would be a good time to stop giving blood.

Leo It's not everyday that money just falls out of the sky, but thanks to the Sears Tower, existential hopelessness, and pockets filled with change, it will today.

Virgo You'll be shunned when the man you famously taught to fish dies of mercury poisoning.

Libra They say that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Thankfully for you, his are completely bloodshot.

Scorpio You'd really like to know where the people who say, "another day, another dollar" are getting their money from.

Sagittarius The debate over stun guns will take a strange turn when you drunkenly decide that they probably wouldn't work on you.

Capricorn You'll take it like a man this week, which pretty much just means you'll be too embarrassed to ask what "it" is.

Aquarius The stars can't decide what's more embarrassing, the fact that you still live out of a suitcase, or that you're a professional ventriloquist dummy.

Pisces You've always thought you'd make a great father, but private investigators hired by seven of your former girlfriends have different views on the subject.

More Horoscope

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Your Horoscopes » (January 5, 2010)

Past Horoscopes

February 7, 2012

Aries The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you're supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car. Taurus That person you've been see...
January 31, 2012

Aries You've got tough row to hoe in front of you this week, which seems like merely a folksy euphemism until you find you've inherited a run-down potato farm. Taurus Conflicts at work and at home are cleared up instantl...
January 24, 2012

Aries Your death next week will seem inexplicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 "cross your heart and hope to die" pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben. Taurus Your fear of pub...
January 17, 2012

Aries Jupiter rising in your sign is usually an indicator of prosperous ambitions, but when it just keeps coming right at you, it becomes downright terrifying. Taurus You have yet to find a love worthy of your unique aff...
January 10, 2012

Aries You're not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity. Taurus You'll need to find new solutions t...
January 3, 2012

Aries To improve your spiritual health, avoid the myriad temptations of the flesh. This is most easily accomplished by repeating the word "flesh" over and over until it creeps you out. Taurus Most accidents occ...
December 6, 2011

Aries Sleep will continue to elude you this week, so keep binging on coffee and amphetamines until you have enough energy to catch it. Taurus You're not the sort of person who panics easily, which will keep you from gett...
November 15, 2011

Aries They say your problem is inoperable, but they're wrong: It's just incurable. Go ahead and do all the operating you want. Taurus You've never believed you were the poisoning type, but judging from all the news cover...
November 8, 2011

Aries A shocking revelation will shake you to the core of your being this week, which is odd, because it's merely the fact that the Doobie Brothers aren't actual brothers. Taurus Betrayal, treason, and vile cal-umny will...