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Aries Your favorite T-shirt brings about your downfall when a literal-minded mob follows its instructions and fills you to the indicated line with margaritas.

Taurus Many have felt the Love Which Dare Not Speak Its Name, but you'll experience the Love That Bellows Its Name Out A Crosstown-Bus Window All Day.

Gemini Once again, the specter of war will dominate international news, preventing people the world over from learning how you made the world's largest apple pie.

Cancer Your problem is that you have no sense of proportion, which is why you paid surgeons to enlarge your head and hands.

Leo Some people believe your house in Heaven is filled with all the things you lost while on earth, which explains the dead pets lying everywhere.

Virgo That run for the record books once again falls short when you start Boston's all-time second-largest fire.

Libra Next time, when passing a note intended to find out if someone likes you, you'll know to provide more than one box to check.

Scorpio The story of the universe has always fascinated you, but the ending will leave you with a lot of unanswered questions.

Sagittarius You'll never smile again after the tragic loss of your lower jaw and lips this week.

Capricorn As it turns out, there are indeed mountains high enough and valleys low enough to keep you from your love.

Aquarius The stars wouldn't take the risks you do, but, hey, it's your life for the next six months or so.

Pisces You'll be trapped in a hell of your own making, forcing you to admit that you really should have put in more bathrooms.

More Horoscope

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Past Horoscopes

February 7, 2012

Aries The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you're supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car. Taurus That person you've been see...
January 31, 2012

Aries You've got tough row to hoe in front of you this week, which seems like merely a folksy euphemism until you find you've inherited a run-down potato farm. Taurus Conflicts at work and at home are cleared up instantl...
January 24, 2012

Aries Your death next week will seem inexplicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 "cross your heart and hope to die" pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben. Taurus Your fear of pub...
January 17, 2012

Aries Jupiter rising in your sign is usually an indicator of prosperous ambitions, but when it just keeps coming right at you, it becomes downright terrifying. Taurus You have yet to find a love worthy of your unique aff...
January 10, 2012

Aries You're not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity. Taurus You'll need to find new solutions t...
January 3, 2012

Aries To improve your spiritual health, avoid the myriad temptations of the flesh. This is most easily accomplished by repeating the word "flesh" over and over until it creeps you out. Taurus Most accidents occ...
December 6, 2011

Aries Sleep will continue to elude you this week, so keep binging on coffee and amphetamines until you have enough energy to catch it. Taurus You're not the sort of person who panics easily, which will keep you from gett...
November 15, 2011

Aries They say your problem is inoperable, but they're wrong: It's just incurable. Go ahead and do all the operating you want. Taurus You've never believed you were the poisoning type, but judging from all the news cover...
November 8, 2011

Aries A shocking revelation will shake you to the core of your being this week, which is odd, because it's merely the fact that the Doobie Brothers aren't actual brothers. Taurus Betrayal, treason, and vile cal-umny will...