• Aries Due to repeated instances of nudity, and loud, often offensive outbursts of profanity, you'll soon be labeled as NSFW.
  • Taurus Your scout leader will soon teach you the square knot, the clove hitch, the lark's head, and the bowline, leaving each and every one of your limbs securely tied to their respective bedposts.
  • Gemini All that sugar will finally kill you this week when it falls from the top shelf and cracks the back of your head straight open.
  • Cancer It will end with a big musical number, which is unfortunate, as it will also start with a big musical number, and contain a series of rather large musical numbers.
  • Leo Alien visitors from another galaxy will soon present mankind with the secret to peace, but not before you shoot the living hell out of them.
  • Virgo You'll find happiness at the end of the rainbow this week, though to be fair, it's the kind often found hanging outside of gay clubs.
  • Libra The red-tailed hawk is known for its hooked bill, its sharp claws, and after this Thursday, its rather keen sense of revenge.
  • Scorpio If there’s one thing you hate about yourself it’s your lack of firm decision-making skills. Either that or maybe your hair color.
  • Sagittarius The stars predict a night's journey over water this week, so go ahead, and break out those rubber sheets once again.
  • Capricorn Delight will soon be yours when you celebrate Black History Month and Valentine's Day on the same night.
  • Aquarius You will drink from the cup of life this week, in an effort to wash down the giant Cuban sandwich of self-hate.
  • Pisces Remember: Being pretty isn't easy. (Keep this in mind if through some improbable turn, you ever become pretty).