Your Horoscopes

HoroscopeEntertainment ISSUE 46•07 Feb 16, 2010
  • Aries Unexpected and startling events in the coming days will compel you to become more familiar with your monthly menstrual cycle.
  • Taurus Please stop insisting you have nothing left to live for. The phrase you're looking for is "never had a reason to live."
  • Gemini Your firstborn child will have your eyes, thanks to delivery complications and the organ-donor sticker on your driver's license.
  • Cancer Attempts to run away from the problem will fail this week when the problem turns out to be a short-circuited treadmill.
  • Leo Your future as a songwriter ends almost before it begins when you find that someone has already compared the depth, power, and beauty of their love to an ocean.
  • Virgo The universe has a funny way of balancing things out. Prepare to lose your other eye by the end of the month.
  • Libra All of those hurtful mother-in-law jokes will come back to haunt you this Friday when you suddenly run out of hurtful mother-in-law jokes to tell.
  • Scorpio People say you're a control freak, but if you had your way, they'd say it a little slower and maybe even a touch louder.
  • Sagittarius There is a time and place for everything, except for your loud and incompetent scat singing.
  • Capricorn For centuries fire was a sacred symbol of vitality and strength. Keep this in mind as you roll around frantically on your kitchen floor this Thursday.
  • Aquarius Look to nature for encouragement and inspiration this week. Do this for as many ungodly hours as it damn well takes.
  • Pisces You'll be honored as a true War Hero, proving once and for all how dire the situation in Iraq has become.