Your HoroscopesAries Unexpected and startling events in the coming days will compel you to become more familiar with your monthly menstrual cycle.Taurus Please stop insisting you have nothing left to live for. The phrase you're looking for is "never had a reason to live."Gemini Your firstborn child will have your eyes, thanks to delivery complications and the organ-donor sticker on your driver's license.Cancer Attempts to run away from the problem will fail this week when the problem turns out to be a short-circuited treadmill.Leo Your future as a songwriter ends almost before it begins when you find that someone has already compared the depth, power, and beauty of their love to an ocean.Virgo The universe has a funny way of balancing things out. Prepare to lose your other eye by the end of the month.Libra All of those hurtful mother-in-law jokes will come back to haunt you this Friday when you suddenly run out of hurtful mother-in-law jokes to tell.Scorpio People say you're a control freak, but if you had your way, they'd say it a little slower and maybe even a touch louder.Sagittarius There is a time and place for everything, except for your loud and incompetent scat singing.Capricorn For centuries fire was a sacred symbol of vitality and strength. Keep this in mind as you roll around frantically on your kitchen floor this Thursday.Aquarius Look to nature for encouragement and inspiration this week. Do this for as many ungodly hours as it damn well takes.Pisces You'll be honored as a true War Hero, proving once and for all how dire the situation in Iraq has become.