Aries You'll continue playing dress-up this week, despite being almost 30, and feeling kind of silly every time you put on that professional-looking suit.
Taurus Remember: God means something different to everyone, but only you, and those who agree with you, are right.
Gemini The presence of Saturn in your sign this week indicates strength, determination, and you getting repeatedly struck by a Model SL1 Series.
Cancer The human mind is a thing of startling beauty. Unfortunately yours is mostly filled with old phone numbers and minor celebrity trivia.
Leo Nobody knows the troubles you've seen. Remind them of this fact at every possible opportunity.
Virgo A tall, dark stranger stops by, lucky numbers 7 and 29 are in the studio, and musical guest Vampire Weekend—-all that and much, much more, tonight on Later With Libra.
Libra They say that having a child changes anything, but what they really mean is "keeping a child."
Scorpio After weeks of setbacks, false-alarms, and outright obstructionism, Congress will finally pass a massive, 3.4 ounce kidney stone this Friday.
Sagittarius More and more, you're beginning to suspect your nickname might be pejorative.
Capricorn Any hope you once had of aging with grace and dignity will be dashed this week, when you turn 25.
Aquarius Ignorance and stupidity will soon be yours, when the Tree of Wisdom is cut down to make room for another mini-mall.
Pisces Financial reward is most definitely in your future. Keep scooping out those "take-a-penny" trays at the truckstops along I-90.
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