• Aries You have a mind like a steel-trap, much to the horror of all those poor naked women locked inside.
  • Taurus Never in a million years did you think you'd be diagnosed with split-personality disorder, which is surprising, as Frank saw it coming a mile away.
  • Gemini A prize-winning horse should have a thick coat, strong hindquarters, and an elegant gait. Also, it probably shouldn't talk, suddenly split in two, and run off in opposing directions.
  • Cancer It's not enough to just sit there and cry about your problems all night long. Try also kicking your legs a bit to see if that helps.
  • Leo Border guards will accuse you of trying to smuggle 10 pounds of prime Chilean beef inside your colon, though the condition they'll find it in will be less than desirable.
  • Virgo You're getting to be much too old for a babysitter, especially one who's supposed to be watching after your children.
  • Libra The stars foresee a huge promotion at work this week. Get ready to move up to Senior Person Who Nobody Takes Seriously Or Respects.
  • Scorpio You'll kick back this week with a little bit of Grandpa's cough medicine, which is too bad, as Grandpa was a radiation oncologist.
  • Sagittarius Behind every successful man is a woman. However, if they find the basement full of yours, you can kiss your career in politics goodbye.
  • Capricorn A little piece of you will die this week, clotting the little fluids it helps to circulate, collapsing the little lungs it helps to expand, and completely shutting down your little nerve center.
  • Aquarius They say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. However, the exaggerated and drawn-out stutter they say it with indicates otherwise.
  • Pisces You will soon make a comfortable living exploiting other people's deep-seated anxieties and crippling fears.