Aries Clear and direct communication is key to a successful marriage. Try ending all of your domestic exchanges with "Roger that, good buddy."
Taurus Though you've been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn't kill you, the coroner's report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
Gemini Lately it seems all your imaginary friends just want to sit around all day and watch television.
Cancer Remember to take things one day at a time this week, even if you have the ability to exist outside of time.
Leo You'll finally open up about your innermost hopes and dreams this week, though the whole thing will be pretty hard to hear with everyone laughing so damn hard.
Virgo Though you are covered with pink fur, have a soft red rubber nose, and utter four simple phrases, you are by no means suitable for children.
Libra You'll confront your problems head-on this Thursday, which is rather unfortunate, as your problems involve a mountain goat.
Scorpio Try to break your habit of turning to anonymous sources for general advice on your problems.
Sagittarius You'll finally get into shape this week, though which one exactly, isn't clear yet.
Capricorn Everyone enjoys a good party, but try to control your childlike glee now that you're finally 10 years old.
Aquarius Your plans for the weekend seem simple enough, but they present a challenge when you realize you have no idea how to "get some girls."
Pisces No offense, but when Aquarius got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn't what it had in mind.
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