Your Horoscopes – Week Of April 16, 2013

HoroscopeEntertainment ISSUE 49•16 Apr 16, 2013
  • Aries The whole world will hold its breath this week while you engage in a life-and-death struggle with heartburn.
  • Taurus After your fourth hospital stay in as many months, you begin to mistrust the other members of your aerobatic biplane squad.
  • Gemini You will soon become the first person in history to be offered sex because of your political-cartooning skills.
  • Cancer An embarrassing nickname comes back to haunt you this week, convincing you once and for all that you should never have strangled all those nurses.
  • Leo The times call for rational, well-reasoned thinking. Under no circumstances allow your thinking to be clouded by superstition.
  • Virgo You enjoy true back-to-school learning fun this week at the hands of a well-trained, double-jointed Korean sex instructor.
  • Libra The stars hereby grant you the secret of lighter, fluffier pancakes: Use sour cream instead of milk.
  • Scorpio Your mother thinks you are wonderful, unique and lovable. Push her down a flight of stairs.
  • Sagittarius Pretty soon you're going to have to sit down and ask yourself some very important questions. Particularly, "why?"
  • Capricorn You will soon be chopped to bits, roasted, covered with caramel, stuffed in a box with a cheap toy, and sold to children nationwide.
  • Aquarius A tall, dark stranger will appear to you in a dream, look tenderly into your eyes and extol the virtues of Pall Mall cigarettes.
  • Pisces Everything you desire shall be yours this week, providing you do not under any circumstances read your horoscope.