Aries The whole world will hold its breath this week while you engage in a life-and-death struggle with heartburn.
Taurus After your fourth hospital stay in as many months, you begin to mistrust the other members of your aerobatic biplane squad.
Gemini You will soon become the first person in history to be offered sex because of your political-cartooning skills.
Cancer An embarrassing nickname comes back to haunt you this week, convincing you once and for all that you should never have strangled all those nurses.
Leo The times call for rational, well-reasoned thinking. Under no circumstances allow your thinking to be clouded by superstition.
Virgo You enjoy true back-to-school learning fun this week at the hands of a well-trained, double-jointed Korean sex instructor.
Libra The stars hereby grant you the secret of lighter, fluffier pancakes: Use sour cream instead of milk.
Scorpio Your mother thinks you are wonderful, unique and lovable. Push her down a flight of stairs.
Sagittarius Pretty soon you're going to have to sit down and ask yourself some very important questions. Particularly, "why?"
Capricorn You will soon be chopped to bits, roasted, covered with caramel, stuffed in a box with a cheap toy, and sold to children nationwide.
Aquarius A tall, dark stranger will appear to you in a dream, look tenderly into your eyes and extol the virtues of Pall Mall cigarettes.
Pisces Everything you desire shall be yours this week, providing you do not under any circumstances read your horoscope.
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