Your Horoscopes — Week Of April 2, 2013

HoroscopeEntertainment ISSUE 49•14 Apr 2, 2013
  • Aries Nothing noteworthy will occur in your life this week, as you have not paid your cable bill in months.
  • Taurus The loneliness you feel cannot last forever. It can, however, last 40 years until the moment of your death.
  • Gemini Your religious faith will be shattered when, after years of piety, you discover a little-known Bible passage condemning murder.
  • Cancer The disappearance of Mars from the sky may indicate that it is time to let go of your warlike nature. Also, it could indicate that Mars has taken orbit behind the sun.
  • Leo Your beloved cats Oscar, Sofie, Tim, Gibson and Malcolm are asked to appear on national television after smothering you in your sleep.
  • Virgo Due to circumstances beyond your control, you will make absolutely no effort to take charge of your miserable life this week.
  • Libra Your birthday party will once again be ruined by highly trained, combat-tested military demolitions experts.
  • Scorpio Reaffirm your commitment to weight loss this week. Eat five pounds of cottage cheese, six cans of peach halves in heavy syrup, and a liter of Diet Coke for each meal.
  • Sagittarius A crazy person will try to convince you that the stars are vast, distant balls of gaseous matter. Ignore him.
  • Capricorn You will discover the power of chain letters this week when you accidentally break one and suffer no terrible consequences whatsoever.
  • Aquarius Nothing can stop Destiny from exerting its powerful influence over you if it so desires. However, it does not.
  • Pisces You may be entitled to a large refund this week when the gynecologist you’ve been seeing announces that you are not pregnant but male.