- Aries Home is where your heart is, and your lungs and liver too, but despite a monthlong search they'll never find all of you.
- Taurus For the third excruciating week in a row, you will find yourself power-less to prevent your day from perfectly mimicking the lyrics of "Stairway To Heaven."
- Gemini You can't help but feel that if there were something you could do to stop being such a wishy-washy, passive, indecisive loser, you would have done it by now.
- Cancer Air and fire magicks are very strong in your sign right now, so it's fortunate that you're really into igniting your own flatulence.
- Leo You'll find steady if undignified employment as the guy who stands right behind the crime boss and emphatically repeats the last words of all his sentences in a sneering voice.
- Virgo You'll fall short of funky expectations this week when you find yourself digging the scene and looking clean, but without any sort of gangster lean.
- Libra The stars have no wisdom or portents to impart at this time, but thought it would be bad manners not to at least say hi.
- Scorpio You've always wanted to be the one that people come to for wisdom and comfort, but you'll have to settle for being the one that the stripper winds up talking to about her kids.
- Sagittarius Sometimes there is just no way to say you're sorry, but the rest of the time you should probably try just walking up to the person and saying "I'm sorry."
- Capricorn You try to be a decent person with a good perspective on life and a firm view of right and wrong, but you'll soon find yourself ordering something called a half-caff skinny maple soy latte.
- Aquarius You'll be devastated by the news that you could have stopped a major tragedy in Nigeria if you had only answered their pleading e-mails in time.
- Pisces Your eyes will be a little too big for your stomach next week when a sudden hideous allergic reaction causes your eyes to swell up to six times their usual size.
More Horoscope
- « Your Horoscopes - Week Of April 19 ... (April 19, 2011)
- Your Horoscopes - Week Of May 2 ... » (May 3, 2011)
Past Horoscopes
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May 22, 2012
Aries No one can argue effectively without the correct set of tools, so make sure you have a hammer in each hand. Taurus Just take things one day at a time this week, even though you're up against a race of impossibly ad...
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May 15, 2012
Aries Patience will see you through life’s most harrowing times. Plus you can fake patience by just sleeping constantly. Taurus For the last time: You do not have miraculous stigmata that cause you to bleed like th...
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May 8, 2012
Aries You've tried everything you can think of to stop yourself from gaining weight. Unfortunately, you have your best ideas while eating entire coconut-cream pies. Taurus Despite your efforts to be a modern-day hero, yo...
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May 1, 2012
Aries You will experience unbounded happiness and success in every area of your life this week, unless of course there is something fundamentally and irreversibly wrong with you. Taurus Your life story will bring much-ne...
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April 24, 2012
Aries Sex with you is an earth-shattering experience, especially the part where hundreds of Indonesians lose their lives. Taurus Your shortness of breath and wild fainting spells will be cured this week, thanks to a seri...
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April 17, 2012
Aries Your feeling of impending doom shall come to nothing again this week as the world continues to turn and your life goes on as normal. Perhaps you should consider feeling useless and stupid instead. Taurus Our survey...
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March 27, 2012
Aries This is a good time to make big moves at work, as you'll show up Monday to find all the furniture's gone and everyone has relocated to a new office somewhere outside Gary, IN. Taurus You'll experience a desire to s...
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March 20, 2012
Aries You will finally be reunited with your family when a sudden mudslide exposes their long-buried station wagon. Taurus Moses died within sight of his goals after wandering in the desert for 40 years, but you'll beat ...
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March 13, 2012
Aries Not only will romance, adventure, and thrills refuse to come to you, they will also refuse to come to theaters near you. Taurus Everyone must eventually choose between what they really must do and what they merely ...
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