- Aries Fun and despair will be in the air this week when a nearby confetti factory explodes, killing 63 employees.
- Taurus You've never been good at saying goodbye, which explains why your speech therapist keeps charging you for an extra half hour each week.
- Gemini The stakes will be raised this Thursday, moments before they are repeatedly plunged iinto your chest by frightened townspeople.
- Cancer You'll soon stumble upon the secret to a happy marriage—a secret so simple you'll take perverse pleasure in keeping it from your wife.
- Leo There's a time and a place for everything, as you'll soon discover after falling into the rhinoceros pit during mating season.
- Virgo Your first instinct this week will be to run, while your second instinct this week will be to find your legs.
- Libra The sudden rise in mood swings, wild food cravings, and rapid head-to-toe hair-growth can only mean one thing: It's that time of the lunar cycle again!
- Scorpio Your whole life will flash before your eyes this week, an insignificant blip made all the more trivial by the Benny Hill theme that will accompany it.
- Sagittarius While you may have valor, resolve, and even vigor, what you don't have is a basic understanding of what those words actually mean.
- Capricorn Your mother may angrily claim that she didn't raise a liar for a son, but what else could you expect from a lizard-human hybrid born out of a top-secret government project?
- Aquarius After days of grave and anxious discussion, the stars have decided that it's better you don't know.
- Pisces Your charred, lifeless body will time and again debunk the old myth about lighting never striking the same place twice.
More Horoscope
- « Your Horoscopes- Week Of April 20 ... (April 20, 2010)
- Your Horoscopes - Week Of May 4 ... » (May 4, 2010)
Past Horoscopes
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May 22, 2012
Aries No one can argue effectively without the correct set of tools, so make sure you have a hammer in each hand. Taurus Just take things one day at a time this week, even though you're up against a race of impossibly ad...
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May 15, 2012
Aries Patience will see you through life’s most harrowing times. Plus you can fake patience by just sleeping constantly. Taurus For the last time: You do not have miraculous stigmata that cause you to bleed like th...
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May 8, 2012
Aries You've tried everything you can think of to stop yourself from gaining weight. Unfortunately, you have your best ideas while eating entire coconut-cream pies. Taurus Despite your efforts to be a modern-day hero, yo...
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May 1, 2012
Aries You will experience unbounded happiness and success in every area of your life this week, unless of course there is something fundamentally and irreversibly wrong with you. Taurus Your life story will bring much-ne...
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April 24, 2012
Aries Sex with you is an earth-shattering experience, especially the part where hundreds of Indonesians lose their lives. Taurus Your shortness of breath and wild fainting spells will be cured this week, thanks to a seri...
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April 17, 2012
Aries Your feeling of impending doom shall come to nothing again this week as the world continues to turn and your life goes on as normal. Perhaps you should consider feeling useless and stupid instead. Taurus Our survey...
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March 27, 2012
Aries This is a good time to make big moves at work, as you'll show up Monday to find all the furniture's gone and everyone has relocated to a new office somewhere outside Gary, IN. Taurus You'll experience a desire to s...
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March 20, 2012
Aries You will finally be reunited with your family when a sudden mudslide exposes their long-buried station wagon. Taurus Moses died within sight of his goals after wandering in the desert for 40 years, but you'll beat ...
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March 13, 2012
Aries Not only will romance, adventure, and thrills refuse to come to you, they will also refuse to come to theaters near you. Taurus Everyone must eventually choose between what they really must do and what they merely ...
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