Aries Fun and despair will be in the air this week when a nearby confetti factory explodes, killing 63 employees.
Taurus You've never been good at saying goodbye, which explains why your speech therapist keeps charging you for an extra half hour each week.
Gemini The stakes will be raised this Thursday, moments before they are repeatedly plunged iinto your chest by frightened townspeople.
Cancer You'll soon stumble upon the secret to a happy marriage—a secret so simple you'll take perverse pleasure in keeping it from your wife.
Leo There's a time and a place for everything, as you'll soon discover after falling into the rhinoceros pit during mating season.
Virgo Your first instinct this week will be to run, while your second instinct this week will be to find your legs.
Libra The sudden rise in mood swings, wild food cravings, and rapid head-to-toe hair-growth can only mean one thing: It's that time of the lunar cycle again!
Scorpio Your whole life will flash before your eyes this week, an insignificant blip made all the more trivial by the Benny Hill theme that will accompany it.
Sagittarius While you may have valor, resolve, and even vigor, what you don't have is a basic understanding of what those words actually mean.
Capricorn Your mother may angrily claim that she didn't raise a liar for a son, but what else could you expect from a lizard-human hybrid born out of a top-secret government project?
Aquarius After days of grave and anxious discussion, the stars have decided that it's better you don't know.
Pisces Your charred, lifeless body will time and again debunk the old myth about lighting never striking the same place twice.
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