• Aries Fun and despair will be in the air this week when a nearby confetti factory explodes, killing 63 employees.
  • Taurus You've never been good at saying goodbye, which explains why your speech therapist keeps charging you for an extra half hour each week.
  • Gemini The stakes will be raised this Thursday, moments before they are repeatedly plunged iinto your chest by frightened townspeople.
  • Cancer You'll soon stumble upon the secret to a happy marriage—a secret so simple you'll take perverse pleasure in keeping it from your wife.
  • Leo There's a time and a place for everything, as you'll soon discover after falling into the rhinoceros pit during mating season.
  • Virgo Your first instinct this week will be to run, while your second instinct this week will be to find your legs.
  • Libra The sudden rise in mood swings, wild food cravings, and rapid head-to-toe hair-growth can only mean one thing: It's that time of the lunar cycle again!
  • Scorpio Your whole life will flash before your eyes this week, an insignificant blip made all the more trivial by the Benny Hill theme that will accompany it.
  • Sagittarius While you may have valor, resolve, and even vigor, what you don't have is a basic understanding of what those words actually mean.
  • Capricorn Your mother may angrily claim that she didn't raise a liar for a son, but what else could you expect from a lizard-human hybrid born out of a top-secret government project?
  • Aquarius After days of grave and anxious discussion, the stars have decided that it's better you don't know.
  • Pisces Your charred, lifeless body will time and again debunk the old myth about lighting never striking the same place twice.