• Aries An in-depth study will reveal that, contrary to popular belief, bedbugs are great and you are the problem.
  • Taurus You'll once again get into a public shouting match at an upscale bistro over what is and is not in fact gangsta.
  • Gemini Somehow it just seems unfair that several famous people will make hundreds of dollars after picking you for next week's Mundane Individual Dead Pool.
  • Cancer Nothing of note will happen to you this week, as the dozens of people you'll tell about it will be able to attest.
  • Leo Venus rising in your sign this week sounds like a welcome harbinger of romantic good tidings but the Zodiac assures you it's merely decorative.
  • Virgo The largest meteorite ever to hit a person was about 45 pounds, making you a posthumous shoo-in for the record next Wednesday.
  • Libra The universal red shift indicates that the stars are flying away from us at astounding velocities. Perhaps it is more accurate to say "from you."
  • Scorpio The stars are tired of politely nodding when you say you're single because you're "too picky." Put down the fork and pick up the soap, dammit.
  • Sagittarius They say God never gives us more than we can handle, which must mean He knows a way you can handle a swarm of hyperagressive Africanized bees.
  • Capricorn Before making any important business decisions next week, ask yourself if you're using the same decision-making criteria that sent you to prison.
  • Aquarius You'll undergo the kind of stress that would break a lesser woman and which will cause whatever kind of woman you are to shatter into a coarse powder.
  • Pisces Your dreams will all come true next week, including the ones you have thus far mercifully forgotten on waking.