• Aries They say that God lives inside each and every one of us. Keep digging away until you find Him.
  • Taurus Your fear and distrust of banks will result in you keeping all of your money, blood, and sperm beneath your mattress.
  • Gemini It's not easy being a woman these days, what with you calling them up all the time and repeatedly begging for a second chance.
  • Cancer Twins are often able to sense when the other is in danger, but you'll continue punching yours in the face long after he's dead.
  • Leo Skunks are known to spray whenever they feel cornered, though why you decided to approach them with your latest screenplay idea is anyone's guess.
  • Virgo What you first believe to be identity theft will soon turn out to be just another self-righteous asshole with commitment issues.
  • Libra Never underestimate the power of suggestion. Neither this morning, nor later this afternoon, when you're busy washing the stars' truck.
  • Scorpio You'll find profound beauty in the hideous and the grotesque this week, you perverted freak.
  • Sagittarius This week, take a deep breath, look straight into the mirror, and release Bloody Mary from her otherworldly imprisonment.
  • Capricorn The stars know this relationship isn't always easy, baby, but give it a chance. They promise you won't regret it.
  • Aquarius In nature, bright and iridescent colors are usually a warning sign to stay away, which explains why you're still single after all these years.
  • Pisces Sometimes it's not so much what you say, but how you say it. Also, whether you're naked, high on methamphetamines, and standing in an abandoned parking lot at the time.