• Aries Your life will soon cross the line from comedy to tragedy, sending an entirely different group of people into gales of laughter.
  • Taurus You'll slowly start to see the value of improving communication in all your relationships, if only to better understand what the frantic firemen are trying to tell you.
  • Gemini You may feel you've run out of gas, but don't worry: It's commercially available and that trick with the Coke bottle, the rag, and the match still works like a charm.
  • Cancer You'll finally learn you can't run away from your problems, but you haven't given up on escaping by donning a clever disguise and hiding in a crowded restaurant.
  • Leo Mars rising in your sign usually indicates increased conflict in life, but in this case it means the orbital plane of Earth has shifted and we are all about to die.
  • Virgo It's becoming almost impossible to wake your lover up for sex, which means you've finally hit on the right combination of drugs.
  • Libra It turns out you're the reason your sign is associated with daring, free-spirited people who like to borrow whole seasons of shows on DVD and not give them back.
  • Scorpio A heralding angel of the Lord will appear unto you, seem confused, ask the date, apologize for visiting a few years early, and tell you not to use birth control for a while.
  • Sagittarius You'll soon enjoy a nice hearty Italian dinner with your family, just like you always do after convincing Mom to enter rehab.
  • Capricorn You might think it's wrapped up nice and neat and you can just wash your hands of the thing, but it's a baby, for Christ's sake.
  • Aquarius You'll provide much-needed insight and deep wisdom when you loudly proclaim that those politicians are just a bunch of crooks in front of the whole bar.
  • Pisces Expect little change from last week, aside from the marauding badgers growing rudimentary thumbs and learning to use chipped flint tools.