Aries To be truly human is to never give up; however, to be truly human is also to know the meaning of sacrifice. It's some deep shit, really.
Taurus Financial success continues to elude you, as you have yet to determine the best way to advertise your enjoyable and affordable mustache rides.
Gemini An error in last week's horoscope has probably resulted in you having a chance midnight encounter with a tall dark strangler. The stars regret any inconvenience.
Cancer Will you have the inner strength to deny a love that is no good for you? Do you have the courage to retry a project you've failed at before? Find out in next week's Cancer!
Leo When all's been said and all's been done and you finally look back on the entirety of your life, it will be about 3 p.m. next Wednesday.
Virgo Although it's true that the only tool you have is a hammer, everything you see looks a lot more like a sort of medium-sized box than a nail.
Libra You've never been able to explain why, but you have a sneaking suspicion that the narrator of 10cc's 1975 hit "I'm Not In Love" was in fact in love.
Scorpio You'll manage to get through the entire Helen Keller presentation with no hilarious slip-ups, but afterward you'll be complimented by a guy with no arms and no legs who likes to water-ski.
Sagittarius Sometimes you miss your days as part of a plucky band of mystery-solving teens, but hey, survivor guilt is like that.
Capricorn In a complete reversal of conventional wisdom, you'll find that you do in fact have to be crazy to work at your job, and that no, it doesn't help.
Aquarius No one knows what mysteries lie deep in the human heart, but you figure they must not be rinsing it thoroughly or using a bright enough flashlight.
Pisces You've always been a never-say-die type of person. Luckily, your impending death will be so embarrassingly obvious that words will be unnecessary.