- Aries Your dealings with the dark powers will be jeopardized when even they are a little freaked out by how eager you are to behead all those chickens.
- Taurus You will be transfixed by the realiztion that human lives are as unique as a snowflakes, and just as indistinguishable from one another when viewed from the proper distance.
- Gemini You'll soon grow dependent on drugs just to make it through the day, but unfortunately it's because of cancer and not anything fun or interesting like addiction.
- Cancer Your death next week will come as a complete surprise, but appropriately enough, not for the reasons you might expect.
- Leo You always thought that when the giant robots began to arrive they'd be your friends, but hey, live and learn.
- Virgo You've always been afraid to try new things, which is fortunate, as a whole bunch of new things will go around killing people who try them this week.
- Libra Your pessimism and negativity are usually misplaced, but they'll be perfectly appropriate when your elevator plunges into the flames Thursday.
- Scorpio Sure enough, Al Green will take all your blues away trust like he always does, but the day is fast approaching when you'll find out where he's been taking them.
- Sagittarius Millions of dollars will slip through your fingers when you discover that people are willing to pay good money for fake dog feces and decide the real thing must be worth twice as much.
- Capricorn While you might have been able to forgive her for walking out on you, your hatred of ska music is such that you'll never be able to forgive her for skanking out on you.
- Aquarius You've given up tilting at windmills once and for all, pragmatically deciding to dispatch them with much more sensible grenades instead of that horseback-lance setup.
- Pisces Uncontrollable spasms will cause you to accidentally scrawl across many of your important meeting notes this week, proving conclusively that orgasms are simply not worth the trouble.
More Horoscope
- « Your Horoscopes - Week Of August 16 ... (August 16, 2011)
- Your Horoscopes - Week Of August 30 ... » (August 30, 2011)
Past Horoscopes
-
May 22, 2012
Aries No one can argue effectively without the correct set of tools, so make sure you have a hammer in each hand. Taurus Just take things one day at a time this week, even though you're up against a race of impossibly ad...
-
May 15, 2012
Aries Patience will see you through life’s most harrowing times. Plus you can fake patience by just sleeping constantly. Taurus For the last time: You do not have miraculous stigmata that cause you to bleed like th...
-
May 8, 2012
Aries You've tried everything you can think of to stop yourself from gaining weight. Unfortunately, you have your best ideas while eating entire coconut-cream pies. Taurus Despite your efforts to be a modern-day hero, yo...
-
May 1, 2012
Aries You will experience unbounded happiness and success in every area of your life this week, unless of course there is something fundamentally and irreversibly wrong with you. Taurus Your life story will bring much-ne...
-
April 24, 2012
Aries Sex with you is an earth-shattering experience, especially the part where hundreds of Indonesians lose their lives. Taurus Your shortness of breath and wild fainting spells will be cured this week, thanks to a seri...
-
April 17, 2012
Aries Your feeling of impending doom shall come to nothing again this week as the world continues to turn and your life goes on as normal. Perhaps you should consider feeling useless and stupid instead. Taurus Our survey...
-
March 27, 2012
Aries This is a good time to make big moves at work, as you'll show up Monday to find all the furniture's gone and everyone has relocated to a new office somewhere outside Gary, IN. Taurus You'll experience a desire to s...
-
March 20, 2012
Aries You will finally be reunited with your family when a sudden mudslide exposes their long-buried station wagon. Taurus Moses died within sight of his goals after wandering in the desert for 40 years, but you'll beat ...
-
March 13, 2012
Aries Not only will romance, adventure, and thrills refuse to come to you, they will also refuse to come to theaters near you. Taurus Everyone must eventually choose between what they really must do and what they merely ...
Recent News »
-
NRA Sets 1,000 Killed In School Shooting As Amount It Would Take For Them To Reconsider Much Of Anything
-
Romney To Undergo Gender Reassignment Surgery To Better Connect With Women Voters
-
Biden To Honor Fallen Soldiers By Jumping Motorcycle Over Vietnam Memorial
-
Quiet Temp Actually Very Untalented Singer-Songwriter
-
Kennedy Family Releases List Of Tragic Ways Remaining Members Could Die
-
Scientists Find Thousands Of Previously Undiscovered Species Cowering In Amazon Rainforest
-
Alabama School System's Lone Textbook Falling Apart
-
Fleet Of Ambulances On Hand For 41-Year-Olds' Touch Football Game
