- Aries Sex with you is an earth-shattering experience, especially the part where hundreds of Indonesians lose their lives.
- Taurus You should really try to live your life so that your happiness doesn't depend so much on whether or not they find the Higgs boson particle.
- Gemini You'll take a long trip on a luxurious passenger train and meet a diverse group of travelers, all of whom will later collaborate to murder you.
- Cancer You've managed to maintain a little bit of mystery about yourself, but that will evaporate when they find the last two nurses' bodies.
- Leo The stars only allowed you to keep that kitten because you promised you'd feed it and clean up after it. Now put it in the shoe box and say goodbye.
- Virgo If there's one thing that gives you hope when all else fails—one small true thing that keeps you hanging on to this life—you sure haven't thought of it yet.
- Libra After years of trying to cultivate a gruff-but-lovable persona, you've gotten as far as a pretty decent abusive-but-fuckable.
- Scorpio People are free to think whatever they want, but you're pretty sure the parking-lot attendant guys were the real heroes of Ferris Bueller's Day Off.
- Sagittarius You'll be diagnosed with a rare condition that makes it impossible for you to get started in the morning unless you have, like, three cups of coffee.
- Capricorn You won't be immortalized upon death, specifically, but people will come from miles around to see the Tomb of the Unknown Guy Who Tried to Eat a Whole 6-Foot Sub In 30 Seconds.
- Aquarius It's not that she no longer loves you, it's that she never did. She is a plastic doll and cannot love.
- Pisces The smell still won't go away. It won't. It won't. It won't.
More Horoscope
- « Your Horoscopes - Week Of August 17 ... (August 17, 2010)
- Your Horoscopes - Week Of August 31 ... » (August 31, 2010)
Past Horoscopes
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January 31, 2012
Aries You've got tough row to hoe in front of you this week, which seems like merely a folksy euphemism until you find you've inherited a run-down potato farm. Taurus Conflicts at work and at home are cleared up instantl...
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January 24, 2012
Aries Your death next week will seem inexplicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 "cross your heart and hope to die" pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben. Taurus Your fear of pub...
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January 17, 2012
Aries Jupiter rising in your sign is usually an indicator of prosperous ambitions, but when it just keeps coming right at you, it becomes downright terrifying. Taurus You have yet to find a love worthy of your unique aff...
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January 10, 2012
Aries You're not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity. Taurus You'll need to find new solutions t...
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January 3, 2012
Aries To improve your spiritual health, avoid the myriad temptations of the flesh. This is most easily accomplished by repeating the word "flesh" over and over until it creeps you out. Taurus Most accidents occ...
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December 6, 2011
Aries Sleep will continue to elude you this week, so keep binging on coffee and amphetamines until you have enough energy to catch it. Taurus You're not the sort of person who panics easily, which will keep you from gett...
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November 15, 2011
Aries They say your problem is inoperable, but they're wrong: It's just incurable. Go ahead and do all the operating you want. Taurus You've never believed you were the poisoning type, but judging from all the news cover...
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November 8, 2011
Aries A shocking revelation will shake you to the core of your being this week, which is odd, because it's merely the fact that the Doobie Brothers aren't actual brothers. Taurus Betrayal, treason, and vile cal-umny will...
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November 1, 2011
Aries They say the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step, but as far as you're concerned, crap like that is for people who can get out of bed. Taurus Your significant other has always been the never-say-d...
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