• Aries You'll continue playing dress-up this week, despite being almost 30, and feeling kind of silly every time you put on that professional-looking suit.
  • Taurus Remember: God means something different to everyone, but only you, and those who agree with you, are right.
  • Gemini The presence of Saturn in your sign this week indicates strength, determination, and you getting repeatedly struck by a Model SL1 Series.
  • Cancer The human mind is a thing of startling beauty. Unfortunately yours is mostly filled with old phone numbers and minor celebrity trivia.
  • Leo Nobody knows the troubles you've seen. Remind them of this fact at every possible opportunity.
  • Virgo A tall, dark stranger stops by, lucky numbers 7 and 29 are in the studio, and musical guest Vampire Weekend—all that and much, much more, tonight on Later With Libra.
  • Libra They say that having a child changes anything, but what they really mean is "keeping a child."
  • Scorpio After weeks of setbacks, false-alarms, and outright obstructionism, Congress will finally pass a massive, 3.4 ounce kidney stone this Friday.
  • Sagittarius More and more, you're beginning to suspect your nickname might be pejorative.
  • Capricorn Any hope you once had of aging with grace and dignity will be dashed this week, when you turn 25.
  • Aquarius Ignorance and stupidity will soon be yours, when the Tree of Wisdom is cut down to make room for another mini-mall.
  • Pisces Financial reward is most definitely in your future. Keep scooping out those “take-a-penny” trays at the truckstops along I-90.