• Aries Nightingales are known for their sweet, often melodious song. However, the one outside your window seems way more interested in Dancehall Reggae.
  • Taurus Remember: The sum of the pleasure of any two sides of a right-angle love triangle is equal to the underlying jealousy of the hypotenuse.
  • Gemini Try not to hold onto any animosity you may feel toward your coworkers this week, as that asshole Dave would probably love it if you did.
  • Cancer The doctors will soon treat you for an acute case of tuberculosis, but don't be alarmed: They're mostly just bored.
  • Leo Yes, love is a total mystery. Those semen stains, though, are probably a clue.
  • Virgo Repeated incidents of drunken and disorderly conduct, public urination, and indecent exposure will completely ruin what was once a very charming little Funkytown.
  • Libra No man should be made to feel like a stranger in his own home. Even if that home no longer belongs to him, and he has sneak in through its basement window late at night.
  • Scorpio Speed-dating may not have worked for you in the past, but this time, try it without so much methamphetamine in your system.
  • Sagittarius Sometimes you wish your kids had come with an instruction manual, but then, that's the price you pay for getting them second-hand.
  • Capricorn You'll be showered with dozens upon dozens of beautiful bouquets this Valentine's Day, all carefully and lovingly arranged, around your tombstone.
  • Aquarius Disappointment will once again be yours this week when that female mongoose call turns out to be just another overweight human.
  • Pisces You'll find what you need in the sweet, innocent arms of a child, especially since what you need is fresh bone marrow.