• Aries A priest, a rabbi, and a minister will walk into a bar this week, order three stiff drinks, and break down crying in one of the most depressing jokes you’ve ever heard.
  • Taurus Friends and family members have often compared you to a china doll, but the resemblance will be uncanny next week when your limbs are broken and your head is pulled loose.
  • Gemini The presence of Mercury in your sign can only mean one thing: The stars have officially run out of euphemisms for discussing your monthly menstruation.
  • Cancer The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the near future.
  • Leo Remember: No matter how bad things get, or how hopeless life may seem, you can always go home again and take it out on your family.
  • Virgo You’ll soon die of embarrassment, though not before the vibrator-wielding chimpanzees manage to crack through your skull.
  • Libra A bizarre chain of existential mishaps will result in your third viewing of the hit romantic comedy Sleepless In Seattle this week.
  • Scorpio As someone who has never been very comfortable with the sight of blood, you should avoid next Thursday’s baby shower at all costs.
  • Sagittarius You’ll have your mind blown this week by nothing more than a shotgun slug traveling at nearly the speed of sound.
  • Capricorn A hand crank, two steel hooks attached at opposite ends of the oral cavity, and sheer mechanical force will soon leave you with a giant smile on your face.
  • Aquarius Don’t let negativity win out today, even though it probably will, because you’re a worthless human being who most likely doesn’t deserve to be happy!
  • Pisces In dog years, your border collie will soon turn 50, which explains the suit and tie, the growing stack of Wall Street Journals, and the rather conservative political worldview.